


He Smiled

by EuleVix



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Blood, Cutting, Gore, M/M, Major Character Undeath, Major character death - Freeform, Takes place in the future of Night Vale so include all eps, Will add more as needed - Freeform, general scary stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-23
Updated: 2015-01-11
Packaged: 2018-02-10 02:43:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 32,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2008014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EuleVix/pseuds/EuleVix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He smiled, and everything about him was perfect.</p><p>He was always perfect..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Say Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Phrixion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phrixion/gifts).



> This is all because of venturescoutriddle/Phrixion and a exchange we had in posts...I just couldn't stop myself from writing it XD the muse would not let me sleep.
> 
> Special thanks to M_Moonshade for their editing help!!!! THANK YOU!!
> 
> Another super special thanks to Elementalphantomthief for letting me use her OC Inez!!!! (This is a slight AU version of Inez, for the record!)
> 
> HOPE YOU ALL ENJOY!
> 
> THERE WILL BE MORE, I PROMISE.

I was just meagerly holding onto what last bit of strength I had to keep myself together. I was like a sheet of safety glass, shattered and broken, yet somehow remaining still one entire piece; all that was needed was a small tap and I would crumble. But I had a job, I had to report the news; there was nothing else I could do…

_“Listeners…I arrived at the last standing Old Oak Door…the rest destroyed by the Non-Angel’s as our last attempt to keep the blinding light from once again trying to enter Night Vale._

_I found it open, showing the great battle taking place in that other world, the masked men and women doing all they could to fend off the blinding light of the Smiling God._

_Listeners, I….I could see Carlos; brave, perfectly imperfect Carlos at the head of the army, tumbling in the flair of heated fists with that **monster** Kevin._

_I…I did all I could…to keep the Non-Angel’s from destroying the door, so that….so that Carlos could come home._

_I cried out to him dear listeners…I cried out for him to run, to return to the door, to…come home, and he heard me listeners. He heard me and he turned to look towards the door, my words must have been carried on wings of love, or longing, or complete and utter wanting. My voice rung out across that vast empty desert, over the many tall heads of the army, and through the sounds of weapons bashing against the searing hiss of that Smiling God._

_Oh….”_

I sucked in a breath and choked down a sob. I shouldn’t leave my listeners to silence, but if I didn’t pause now and pull that string _tighter_ around my heart and my soul I would never have been able to finish the broadcast. I at least had to finish the broadcast.

 

_“Oh…dearest wonderful sweet listeners…It was…in that moment, his head turned away from the possessed body of Kevin, eyes searing with the same light that lay behind him, body soaked with blood of fallen warriors…that…Carlos was….injured.”_

I quickly clamped my hand over my mouth as to hold back the sobs that wanted to travel through the microphone to the ears of each citizen huddled next to their radio. I sucked a staggered intake of air as I did my best to continue ignoring the tears free flowing down my face.

_“He fell…in a heap upon the ground…my heart seemed to stop…time froze…his body not moving….._

_One of the masked warriors ran up to Kevin and fended him off…giving them enough time to scoop up Carlos…so small…so fragile compared to their large body._

_I ran to them, despite the heavy weight in my legs and my body and my heart…I could feel myself breathing and my blood moving through my body…but my heart…it felt still and cold._

_….I met them half way. They gently handed Carlos to me. T-they…Gods listeners….h-he…Carlos was… covered in blood….a…l-large gash…across his stomach.”_

I couldn’t contain it. I had tried so hard, so very hard to keep the wrecking sobs locked in my chest’s metaphorical steel cage, but it was not enough. Near every word I now spoke I found myself sobbing.

_“I-I pulled him g-gently into m-my lap. He l-looked up…a-and…h-e smiled, one…on-e….”_

I had to lay my head down on my mixer, my arms wrapped around protectively around my head as my tears fell onto the old electronic device. My cries and wails pulsing from my body into the empty radio booth. I am not sure how long I remained there, feeling my heart, no, my soul slowly die and fade bit my bit and piece by piece at the knowledge of my loss. Once I felt I could speak again I lifted my head, only slightly. I did not care about the wet drops all over my face or the disgusting snot strings that came with weeping as I rested my chin on top of one of my arms as I ran the other, shakily, through my hair; as though by doing so would bring me some form of focus or stability.

_“I….I t-told him…that…I love him…that he ca-n still…make it……_

_He smiled….and t-touched my face…whispered so-mething t-hat I could n-not hear…”_

My voice cracked into a high pitch as I continued, pushing with the last that I had in me.

_“And then….he…d-…..he d-ied…in my arms….”_

I quickly found I could no longer finish the broadcast.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

**THREE MONTHS LATER**

_“Listeners. I have some…disturbing news to bring to you today._

_In these past three months almost the entirety of Night Vale, as a community, as a family, came together to…mourn…the loss of our towns most beloved, perfectly imperfect Scientist…and Hero; Carlos._

_We held…the most perfect funeral for my Carlos. Though I know almost all of you were there, it was still so lovely to see so many who cared, cherished and loved him.”_

I wanted to speak of the spectacular send off for him by his team of Scientists. Of the words and experiences that each person there spoke of through tears about him. Of the countless who missed the scientist; of how much I missed the scientist. But the threat of relapsing into quiet sobs hung over my heart, and so I moved on.

_But today listeners I have something so strange, so bizarre and odd even for our small existence in our little town of Night Vale, to tell you._

_Today…a strange man come into town…”_


	2. And I'll Say Hello

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “But today listeners I have something so strange, so bizarre and odd even for our small existence in our little town of Night Vale, to tell you.
> 
> Today…a strange man come into town…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to update this as often as possible, it will be interspersed between my going back and forth between 'The Voice of OZ' and 'From Dawn to Dusk'. This quite possibly has a lot of chapters I don't really know, but I do hope that you will enjoy the chapters!!

_“But today listeners I have something so strange, so bizarre and odd even for our small existence in our little town of Night Vale, to tell you._

_Today…a strange man come into town…”_

 

I sucked in a shuttering gasp, my insides squirming and twisting inside. I needed to say it, because I needed to know if it was true; if he was real. Any information I might be able to get on this new, stranger, might help to bring some form of closure. Or, at least answer some of my stifling questions fogging and suffocating my mind.

 

_“This man, a witness reported, had perfect hair, a perfect lab coat, and that he came into town toting a large bag full of breakers and humming electrical equipment…_

_The witness however did not happen to catch the name of the said stranger. Instead he informed me “He does look like Carlos, and he may talk like Carlos. But Cecil, I do not think he is Carlos.” The witness then gripped me by the shoulders, his eyes burning with a mixture of regret and pity and anger. “Don’t go near him Cecil. Not until my troop can see what or who he really is. Promise me Cecil.”_

_I could not promise him that, but I did say I would keep my distance the best that I can._

_Listeners, if you do happen to see this…man, please call the station immediately, so that we can keep you and myself, updated on this story.”_

 

I continued the broadcast, calls came in about the man who looked so much like Carlos, but none had more information then what Earl had originally given me. The man wandered about the town, the citizens keeping their distance from him, Earl and his scouts covertly tailing the man but not engaging. When it came time for the weather I ignored all the warnings, tossed aside all of ringing alarm bells in my ears, and left the booth and went to find him myself; and I did.

 

He was standing in front of the lab, talking to the other Scientists that still remained in Night Vale. Once I had caught sight of him every fiber of my body clenched and felt electrified. He did look so much like Carlos; his hair was the same as I had first seem him so many years ago, a dignified touch of grey still at his temples and his coat white and pristine. He turned and I could see his profile.

 

My feet started to move, my control on them non-existent as I ran to him, blood pulsing. I _knew_ that face, every inch of it. I saw that face in my dreams at night and memories at day. I knew not only his face, but his body, his mind, his dreams, his tastes in food, his body language and verbal language. I _knew_ him. No, I _know_ him.

 

“Carlos!”

 

I didn’t care how, or why, but Carlos had come _back_ and that was all that mattered. He heard me, fully turning towards my direction; his dark amber brown eyes went large at my running approach. It was him without a doubt now! I practically leapt onto him and I gathered him into a hug, tears falling easy from my eyes.

 

“Carlos! Sweet perfect Carlos you’re _back!”_   I sobbed and pulled my arms tighter around him. I was so relieved, so happy to see him. Three months waiting and by some unforeseen miracle he was alive again. I didn’t care if I made it back to the booth or not, if I was fired even. I had Carlos again in my life, the bright beacon of love, and joy, and happiness, and science; my bright, shining ember in the dark. I broke away from him as I wiped the tears from my face. I started to frantically talk, a slight fear in the back of my mind that I might just be dreaming or hallucinating or that this was just some temporary temporal distortion and it was my last chance to talk to him again.

 

“Carlos, I-I’m so glad that y-you’re home! I thought I had l-lost you forever!” My heart’s beat started to pick up as I felt the frantic spasms of worry under my skin. I was starting to remember the events of the funeral and the events of three months ago.

 

“I…I _held_ you as you died Carlos! I was there and preformed the proper rights and rituals when they _buried_ you! H-how did you survive? How a-are you alive Carlos? Is it some Temporal distortion or has the world re-set?” I turned to his scientists who stood, mouths agape at, as I inquired them for answers silently. Rochelle slowly shook her head, the quiet causing my hairs to stand. There was something wrong. I turned back to Carlos, desperate for answers.

 

“Then your _real_! But…but how? Carlos, how did you get home? How did you cheat the black obsidian hands of death?” I watched him, my arms out in front of me, pleading. It was then I took in his stance, closed in on himself, a clip board tightly clenched to his chest, his breathing heavy and just under a pant. His eyes still wide, but also uncertain and frightened. I straightened my posture as my own fear crept into my body, cold and slithering.

 

“Carlos?” I said tentatively as I reached my hand out slightly to him. He flinched back away from the hand and I could feel my heart tear.

 

“Who…Do I know you, sir?”

 

“You’re Carlos right? You…you have to be, _you look just like him._ ”

 

“Yes, I am Carlos. Have we met before?” He said his words carefully, as though I was a ravenous librarian just inches away from locking my jaws around his neck.

 

“You...you don’t remember me? _At all??_ ” He squinted his eyes his brow crinkling in thought as he considered my being again.

 

“I don’t believe that I do. Should I?”

 

“Yes. You should…”

 

It was shortly after that I left, using the first excuse that came to mind and apologizing for the intrusion.

 

I came back to the booth late. My chest was heavy, my nerves numb and frayed. I didn’t know if the interns had been playing recorded ads or if maybe the Faceless Old Woman had come by to speak again. It did not matter once I slunk over to my chair, arms shakily placing the headphones back onto my head, and the red ‘On Air’ light of the booth blinked on.

 

_“Sorry that I was gone for so long, Listeners. I did manage to find the, strange, new man that came into town today.”_

 

My chest tightened and a sob hung in my throat, like dark ichor sticking to the insides of my body closing and catching all bodily functions.

 

_“He…said his name was Carlos. He said that, he doesn’t remember me. He looks just like my Carlos, he talks and acts like my Carlos. But he...he isn’t my Carlos.”_


	3. Wake Me Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was that of all the people in the world I expected Carlos to…recognize me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna do my best to have chap 4 up by Sunday, after that I will be slowing down this stories progress a bit to pick back up on "Voice of OZ".
> 
> I hope that you enjoy this chapter and that it gives you all the feels.

That night I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t only the usual empty and frigid feeling of the house like that of long shadowed fingers reaching out from the depths of which you can never see. It wasn’t just the lone echo of my wrist watch, ticking in the dark like a cry or a plead for some to talk; to say something, anything, to break the silence. Nor was it the uncomfortable springs of the couch jagged and prodding like thoughts of so many things that could never be changed, such as the many regrets and wishes that would never be realized or accepted.

 

It was that of all the people in the _world_ I expected Carlos to…recognize me.

 

I stared at my celling, hands tucked uncomfortably under my head the blood slowly being pushed out from them. I ignored it, the restlessness and pain in my heart out weighing any slight physical discomfort as I searched my brain for what answers I wanted to find.

 

Maybe he had been re-educated? That did not work, for it did not explain how he was now amongst the living. Maybe he had not earned his death and City Council had re-invoked his life, somehow? It was possible. No, I’m wrong with that. He was a Hero, if anyone had earned his death he would have; regardless that I wish he hadn’t. Maybe Strex was back and they had created a Carlos-bio-machine and sent him back to-. No, he would have lacked eyes or at the least been covered in blood and affordable business casual clothing. None of these seem right and at every new idea I could find some way to debunk it, to turn the passing answer over and know it as the lie it was.

 

I sat up on the couch, leaned against my elbows that I placed upon my knees and held my head in my hands. I wanted to weep, to yell and to scream, to smash every picture frame and dish in the house, to kick in the walls; anything to let out the towering and twisting emotions contained within me. Instead I did nothing. I sat there, feeling lost and hurt. My fingers entailed with my hair, my nails dug into my scalp, utterly and completely distraught.

 

I didn’t move until there was a quiet knock on my door. The sound didn’t cause me to jolt, my internal war more loud the any sounds that could be around me. I tried to push the rapping out of my mind, hoping I would be left alone to myself. It was when the third rap against the door came that I could no longer pretend.

 

I stood up, hurried over to the door. I peered thought the peep hole, the shadowed figure of the Earl still in his Chef’s outfit and his arms crossed. Tentatively I opened the door, and stepped to the side so that he could come in. Once he was inside I closed the door and leaned against it, avoiding looking at him. I knew why he came over, I didn’t need to ask and quiet honestly I wanted to tell him to piss off. I had enough to deal with and ‘talking about my feelings’ was not what I wanted to do at the moment. But, with the ‘topic’ at hand I already knew that Earl wouldn’t leave me alone and if he had to, would pull some of his old Scout Master tricks to get inside. He was silent with his back to me for some time. I briefly entertained the idea that maybe he would realize this was a horrible idea, he would leave and come back tomorrow for coffee. I could hear the shuffle of his feet as he turned towards me.

 

“You promised, Ceec.” His voice low, disappointed but without anger or accusation of some wrong deed.

 

“I promised you nothing Early. I said I would try.”

 

“That wasn’t trying, in fact it was-”

 

“Yes it was. You can’t expect me to _not_ do my job Earl.” I was spinning him truthful lies, anything he might grab and take as truth to just let this spider-wolf be. “I’m a reporter Earl, I can’t _not_ report! I was getting nowhere with the story, I had to do something!”

 

“That’s just an excuse Cecil! I expected you of all people to have some kind of control! Carlos, _supposed to be dead never to come back_ Carlos, is in town and we don’t know anything about him. Cecil this new Carlos could be _dangerous_!” I bristled at the word of death, a word I had said so often but now felt like soft flesh around exposed bone every time it was mentioned; a re-opening each time of new wounds.

 

“I have _plenty_ of control Earl.”

 

“No you don’t Cecil! Your _dead_ boyfriend comes waltzing into town an-“ I moved my arm as though to violently cast aside his words. My eyes now locked on his form, his hands were out and pleading, his face taunt with worry.

 

“ _He is not dead Earl!_ ” I yelled out my words feeling the grate in the back of my throat from the volume and projection of my own voice. Earl’s retorted, his voice meeting mine in vigor and strength.

 

“ _You watched him die Cecil!_ He is _dead_ and whatever that _thing_ or _person_ might be they are _not Carlos!”_

 

“ _Do you think I don’t know this?_ ” Earl flinched. ” _That I don’t know this better then you? His blood was in my lap Earl. I was there as I held him in his last breathes and you were not_!” I sucked in deeply to continue yet effecting slightly in a calming. “He was brave and he was fearless. He gave his life for Night Vale, for us, for…me.” In truth, I did not feel that he gave his life at all, but rather it had been taken. Taken by the bloodied hands of Kevin enraptured and possessed by the powers of the Smiling God; and by myself. If I hadn’t called to him, if I hadn’t wanted him home so badly he would still be live. I wouldn’t have to walk the same sidewalks as him with him unable to know my name.

 

“The _least_ I could do is try Earl!”

 

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt Cecil! Not again.”

 

“I’m _already_ hurting Earl! My boyfriend has somehow, through maybe some kind of dark magic or time travel anomaly or maybe just plain old necromancy, is walking the hot desert sand of Night Vale again. He is back and remembers _nothing_ of me! I cannot leave Night Vale and I have to watch him scurry about the town streets, eat at Big Rico’s, preform town saving science, and just live a life without me in it!” My fists were balled and I could feel myself shaking. It was not of fury, as the hot tears rolled down my face .

 

“Three months ago was the last time I _held_ him Earl. Near seven months before that was the last time we had shared the same damn _bed_.” My breathing was staggered and I found myself feeling as though there was just not enough _air_ in the room. I balled my fists in hope to gain for form of control.

 

“He _is_ Carlos, he _has_ to be Carlos. Maybe by some miracle he only needs time for his memories to come back! Maybe he would be able to tell us what happened to him! But Earl…I _have_ to try. I need the chance to see if I can get him to remember. You can’t ask me to live a life with Carlos in it, but not a part of it…” I could hear the light pitter patter of my own tears as the fell to the tile floor. The room  was still and quiet save for my own whimpers and sobs.

 

“Ceec…” I put my hands to my face and wept.

 

“I _miss_ him…I miss him so much Earl… _I have to try_. I have to _try_ and see if my Carlos is still in there, so that we might be able to pick up our lives again….or at least the chance to say....goodbye.”

 

I fell to my knees and Earl, protective and worried Earl, came and wrapped his arms around me. He said nothing and let me cling to him; my tears and mucus soaking little spots on his Chef coat. My mind was ablaze with the thought of my last few words with Carlos. I had told him only a vow of love, his words left to be un-received over the clash of the army that has been around us. The same chill from day now echoed in my heart, mixing with the ever present longing I had carried for so long and the new sorrow I had for such a short time now. My body shook as I howled from the unseen pain I held inside. A pain I could not fix, not alone, and quite possibly, not ever have the chance to.

 

He was gone and yet he was not and I decided as my body tore it’s self asunder that no one should ever have to feel the pain of loving and being the only one to remember that love. My muscles worked themselves tired in spasms, my breath would move from sobbed heaves to hyperventilating weeps every so often. My throat soon became raw and my body weak. But Earl stayed, and he held me and let me expel all that I could of my anguish.

 

Eventually I ran myself emotionally empty, my body tired from the stress and the heaving. My arms went slack and my cries died down to whimpers and tears could no longer run down my face. Earl gently scooped me up, and carried me to the bedroom. He was speaking, he held my close to his body the warmth of another human feeling so comfortable and warm I near fell asleep, but I could not hear him in my twilighted almost slumber. He placed me onto the bed, the smells of cinnamon and lavender mixed, faintly lingering in all the sheets and pillows. Instinctively I grabbed the nearest pillow and wrapped around it letting myself bask in the remembered smells of Carlos; I let myself pretend that Carlos had remembered me and that he was here again in my arms. I was too exhausted to fight myself as I wove between memories of him and us together. I soon feel asleep, but before I completely felt to a harsh slumber I heard a faint sound.

 

“Goodnight Cecil…goodnight.” With that my mind grew blank. Sleep carried me from the bed in its arms, whisking me away in to pleasant things and frightening circumstances. Into love of the past and the hoped love of the future. Of Carlos and I on our first date and the hoped sweep of loving arms when Carlos finally remembered who I was.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

The next morning I woke stiff, the taste of sickness on my tongue, my fibers in every inch of me feeling alit bright and sensitive. I remembered my break down of the night before and weakly, silently, thanked Earl and promised to thank him again when I saw him. For now I just lay curled protectively around a pillow in our bed. My senses wrapped in the feel of our high count sheets, soft and near silky on my skin. I inhaled the mix of our scents as I remembered hot nights and cold ones, cuddles and exchanged kisses. Again the pain washed around me and enveloped me. I then spent the next hour in early morning light peering at me from the window, weeping into the pillow. I thought about retracting my thank you to Earl for placing me in the bed, or even in the room, I had been avoiding for months now.

 

I was able to eventually drag myself out of bed and call into work, letting the interns know that the proper chants to appease Station Management needed to be done for the ‘absence of the voice’ because I was not coming into work today. They started to protest but I hung up on them before I could hear it. I spent my day at home, avoiding the bed room and avoiding any thoughts about Carlos for fear of relapse. Earl did not come over that day.

 

Days slowly turned into a few weeks as I tried to get back into my routine of life. I decided that, for now, I would see if I could just let Carlos maybe remember on his own; assuming that he could. But each time I caught a glimpse of him around town, always with another Scientist in tow, I would still and my heart would pound painfully and the veins of sorry would pump poison throughout my body. I tried to avoid him, but over and over again his science and his work would creep into the broadcasts I was forced to read. At home the photo’s and trinkets that were once his or held his image mocked me and took my last shred of piece. It was two weeks after Carlos had come back that I decided I would talk to him again, that I had to do something for some kind of closure. I couldn’t live like this anymore.

 

It was fairly early in the day still, the sun had risen unusually quiet that day which I had been glad for. I made my way to his labs, hoping I could ask Rochelle or Dave where he might be. I knocked on the door, hands behind my back, eyes cast down watching a family of ants as they carried tiny suitcases and backpacks. I backed up a bit, giving them some space and to make sure I did not step on them, they were moving onward to new places and I did not want to be the obstacle in their way; at least they were able to do so in the first place. My head snapped up as the door opened, Rochelle loomed in the doorway. He brown hair pulled back into the high pony tail she always wore and her large body and frame blocking any possible entrance into the lab. She smiled weakly.

 

“Wat’ can I do ya’ for Cecil?” My mouth was dry and sticky. I felt stupid for asking, too used to not needing to yet knowing I must.

 

“I wanted to see Carlos…if I could.”

 

“I don’ know if I can do that Cecil.” Her smile was no longer on her face, her features lax and sad, arms crossed against her body. “He’s not quite right at ta moment.”

 

 

“I know…Please Rochelle, I need to talk to him. Just for a while.” She closed her eyes in thought. I waited patently for her answer, ready for what she thought would be possible. I hoped that the tides were in my favor and I was not asked to leave. Her eyes reopened and her face static.

 

“Jus’ a moment Cecil. Kay?” I nodded and she turned back inside and closed the door behind her. Minutes past but eventual she emerged again. She leaned close and whispered to me quiet words meant only for me, her, and the Sheriff’s Secret Police operative that loomed somewhere near by.

 

“Jus’…be _careful_ now kay. _We_ don’ quite understand ‘im yet, where he came from n’ all.” I could feel my eye dilate as they widened. “So keep on yur’ toes.” She turned back into lab and I stumbled as I followed her into the lab. We moved around the large metal shelves all stacked with various experiments and equipment and towards the second floor. I could see all the equipment was still in the same places they had near always been, perched on desks some with new experiments inside them left in mid execution some empty and ready for use. I remembered when Carlos and I had taken a few of the pieces of equipment and he used them to show me some experiments. I could remember his face lit and bright in his perfect smile. I moved my thoughts away from him as I studied the wearing hem of Rochelle’s lab coat.

 

We continued until up, moving towards the floor I knew they used for their living spaces. It felt odd being up here again, the last time being when I had helped Carlos pack his belonging when we moved in together. I followed her to the end of the hall and waited as she knocked on the door.

 

“C-come in.” I felt the hairs on my neck prickle and goose bumps arise in tingled waves over my body. I was no longer sure I could do this. But the door was opened and Rochelle entered, quietly and autonomously, I followed.

 

His room was quiet empty, the white walls bare of much then his degrees and a few photo’s of his family that he knew to have left back thousands of miles away in his home town. Cold fear percolated inside my body, every inch of me was afraid and scared as I could not break my sight from the objects that were completely identical to the ones I had at home.

 

“Are you alright?” Carlos questioned. I jolted and glanced to the small desk situated in the center of the room, notes were layered on his desk, his coat was dirty from possible early morning science, but his hair was messed as though he had again forgotten to sleep. My eyes flickered from him back to the pictures and degrees on the wall and then back to him.

 

“Y-yeah. I’m fine.” I stammered.

 

“Cecil, was it?” I forgot the items once I had again heard my name be rolled in his golden voice. I felt a small weight lifted from me as I felt that he had started to remember. If he knew my name, if he had learned of it on his own, maybe the rest would come shortly. Maybe soon I would have my lover back.

 

“Y-you remember?” The heaviness was replaced as he shook his head, a frown on his face, his perfect teeth hidden behind his pursed lips.

 

“No, my scientists…informed me of you, a bit.”

 

“Oh…” I decided that my nerves and my body needed a focus, something to ground me, so I started to twist and rub my hands together in front of me. For now I would be able to hold myself together.

 

“You had something you wanted to speak to me about correct? As you can see I’m currently working on a very important project. I’ve been calculating the times between here in Night Vale and in other places in the world. The results are quite astounding and disturbing, but I need to run some more tests because what the results are saying do not make any _sense_!” As he explained he no longer looked at me as he gestured with his hands, showing his excitement and frustration at the whole of the problem. I could feel a smile tug at my face at how he was still so much the same, but I had not the heart to keep it. He paused and looked up to me before exclaiming suddenly.

 

“Sorry! I,” he rubbed the back of his head as he spoke, looking sheepishly to the ground. “tend to ramble, sometimes.”

 

“No, no! It’s fine Carlos.” I wanted to tell him how I had missed his sometimes endless streams of information, how it was one of the things I loved about him. But I did not want to push anything, I didn’t want to ruin any possible chances of getting him back by only driving him away.

 

“I had been meaning to ask…how _did_ you know my name?” I wanted to lie. I wanted to tell him I had accidentally consumed some of the glowing green ooze that lived in the break room fridge by accident. My mouth and mind had other plans.

 

“You were my boyfriend, of course I know your name.”

 

“That’s… _impossible_ Cecil. I have never met you before in my _life_!” I could tell he was nervous, perhaps frightened, for as he spoke he turned back to his desk, busying his body by reorganizing the papers on his desk fruitlessly.

 

“Ain’t true Carlos.” Rochelle chimed in, one hand on her hip, the other gesturing to me. “Cecil t’was your flame here for some time now, I thought tha others would a’ told ya that…I mean they’ve been here longer than I, I thought they would’ve informed ya’.” Carlos stopped and placed the papers he had in his hand, slowly turning to Rochelle.

 

“No…they failed to mention that theory.” I winced at his words. A tingle like the light touch of a feathers edge swept its way from the top of my head to my feet, pacing up and down my body in a fluid never stopping motion. As it did a slow build of annoyance and anger spiraled in my chest; I had never felt so uncomfortable before. I pleaded to him.

 

“It is not a _theory_ Carlos! You might not remember it now, but we had a _life_ together. We went on dates sometimes, because other times you would get busy doing science and would forget about the date. You have a tendency to chew loudly while eating. Masters of us Carlos, I _know_ you have a mole on your left butt cheek! How cou-”

 

“Ya’ have a mole on yer’ ass?” Rochelle questioned pointedly at Carlos.

 

“Yes, but _neither_ of you are supposed to know that!” He exclaimed. I then watched his face quickly change from embarrassment to confusion. His forehead pinched together in thought and his hands going to his knees as he leaned forward watching me. His words were slow and drawn out, a sign of him thinking frantically trying to accommodate for the world around him as he knew it changing.

 

“Wait, this is _impossible…_ This is scientifically impossible!”

 

“Carlos this is Night Vale! During my time with you I learned just how strange and weird my own home town is. How so many things work in a way that they just are not supposed to!” I paused for a moment in thought, maybe there was some kind of test or study he could do. Static anxiety continued its tread up and down my body as I did my best to keep it at bay; to keep myself from spilling over in words or to suddenly turn around and run home. I was so, so afraid that in the end it would be pointless, that he would never remember, that the oddity of Night Vale for once worked against me.

 

”What if you ran some tests? Maybe if you did that on yourself you might discover how this is even possible?” Rochelle placed her hands into her coat pockets as she turned to face me.

 

“Darlin’ we did that tha day he got here. His existence might be…weird, but sugar our tests show that he’s tha real McCory. No time laps particles or misplaced atoms or them tiny nana’-bots that cover his skin like them old Strex bots had.”

 

“Then…maybe there’s something else we could do!” I could tell in my own voice that I was starting to lose control over myself, slowly slipping.

 

“Cecil, I don’t t-” His voice was low, concerned. I knew what he might say, dreaded words I did not want to hear. Or, at least I assumed the worst of what he could say. Topics of dismissal boiled in my head.

 

“No there’s got to be something! Maybe…” In my panicked mind an idea wiggled its way forward, it was typical and silly, but maybe it would work.

 

“Maybe I can take you around town. I can show you all the places we went together! I can show you some of the experiments you let me do with you and the places we went on our first few dates. Carlos, I can even bring you…home.” The emotions whirling in my body became too much for me to hold onto, and quickly my pent up fears welled out from my eyes spilling onto my face as tears.

 

“If you remember then we can figure out how you got here right? Find out what brought you back! Just…please let me at least try, you’ve got to let me try!” I couldn’t look at him or I knew I would shatter into horrid sobs, so I put my hands to my face; an effort to blot out what was around me and to push back the tears still leaking out onto my face. I could feel myself start to shake.

 

There was the small sound of a chair being rolled back in the quiet room. It wasn’t long till I felt the weight of a hand, a welcome and dearly missed warmth. I pulled my hands away and looked into the brown eyes of Carlos, standing in from of me. He was not afraid, as he had been before or even so long ago when we had first met. His features were soft and pitted with worry and the want to comfort.

 

“I can’t promise you that I will remember anything Cecil…But I am willing to see if I can.” He tugged his face into a smile, not with teeth but a sweet gentle smile that had been missing from my life. As he smiled my heart leapt amidst the tightness in my chest, still completely in love.


	4. Before You Go Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The week went all too quickly, and I now found myself on the doorstep of the lab. It was early in the morning, the sun still loud and its warmth starting to prickle along my skin. My hand wrapped tightly around the large Erlenmeyer flask I used as a vase. His favorite flowers, dark purple fuchsias, spilled out from the top in layers. My hands tightened further around the neck of the flask, and for a moment I worried that it might shatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER GIANT THANKS to M_Moonshade for their AMAZING help with both helping me with edits and brainstorming!!
> 
> Additional thanks to my Evil Assistant, halfdeadScorpio, for giving me some WONDERFUL ideas to add~~<3
> 
> Amazing super thanks to Elementalphantomthief for letting me use Inez!!!
> 
> I truly hope this chapter is as evil as I feel that it is. <3
> 
> I have a lot of stuff planned for this but I will be first working on the chapters of both "Voice of OZ" and "From Dawn to Dusk" first before coming back to this one.
> 
> I hope it gives you the feels, don't forget to give comments and Kudos! <3

The next week I spent planning, pulling from my brain every possible thing I could cram for us to do in one day. I spent all my free time jotting down notes as memories resurfaced, giving me new ideas and new plans. Sometimes I would startle myself, discovering a memory that had been near lost. I wondered how many more I had forgotten. Then I would ponder about Carlos, his memories possibly locked away so deeply in his brilliant mind. How whatever process that brought him to Night Vale must have been intense for him to have forgotten. He was always reminding me of the little things I would forget; for him to have lost his memories, it must have been something close to re-education.

 

But there were times I was realistic. Times when I would lay on the couch after deciding that today I didn’t want to eat. I would watch the unmoving popcorn-like splatters the covered the ceiling and wrapped myself in thought. I would think of how the chances of him actually remembering were so slim. That if he was going to remember he would have by now. That what I was doing was trying to fulfill some desperate wish, betting on numbers I knew not of.

 

I put my hands over my face as I openly wept curled up on my side. I would then sink into the back of the couch, wanting to coon myself. To blot out that the world around me existed, that I existed. It would be after I had wormed my way into a cramped fetal position, face and hands entirely wet, body shaking, that I would fall into a nightmarish sleep.

 

The week went all too quickly, and I now found myself on the doorstep of the lab. It was early in the morning, the sun still loud and its warmth starting to prickle along my skin. My hand wrapped tightly around the large Erlenmeyer flask I used as a vase. His favorite flowers, dark purple fuchsias, spilled out from the top in layers. My hands tightened further around the neck of the flask, and for a moment I worried that it might shatter.

 

There was a small click just ahead of me, my eyes refocused as the door slowly start to open. I sucked in the warm desert air as Carlos, his head still turned towards the inside of the lab, stood before me in the now open doorway.

 

“Dave, I’m heading out! I shouldn’t be-“ He turned towards me, mouth hanging open as he blinked. He took a small step back as he shifted uncomfortably, his eyes traveling the length of my body. “Oh. Hi, Cecil. I-it is good to see you again...so soon.”

 

“It is good to see you too, Carlos.” I spoke slowly as I cocked my head slightly to the side. His eyes searching the area around us, only once looking back inside of the building. I pulled the flowers closer to my body, its proximity somehow soothing. He turned back to me and gestured with one hand, the other buried deep into his pocket.

 

“Listen, I’m about to head out and do some science on a shape that I found yesterday in Grove Park. No one seems to be willing to talk about it, not even my own Team! I’ve tried everything I can think of to get them to talk about it but they all refuse! So, if there is anything that you need help with I’m sure one of my Team certainly can.” My pulse began to climb, my fingers twitched slightly, and a faint smile wanted to tug at the corners of my mouth. An odd nostalgia and panic mixed weirdly in my gut.

 

“Carlos, we planned this last week.” Again I was given another blinking stare.

 

“We…did?”

 

“Yes, you said that you would be willing to let me take you around town…to see if you could remember.”

 

“That right…I did, didn’t I.” Slowly, an awkward grin etched across his face as he rubbed the back of his head.

 

“It’s alright, Carlos. Maybe I should just come back tomorrow or another da-“ He waved his arms frantically in front of him.

 

“No, no! It’s fine, I want to help you…” He put his hands back into his pockets as he continued, his eyes darting everywhere but me. “Besides, the shape doesn’t seem to be going anywhere and the Science experiments I had planned for the day can be put off for a while.” He started to gesture with his hands, lost in his own train of thought.

 

“Okay, well some of them can’t wait. Specimen #628 is very impatient and can get quite cranky when left alone for too long. It also needs to be fed every two hours, but I’m sure if I asked Inez she would be willing to watch it for me. Then there is #297 which needs to have its tank cleaned of glowing ooze every day...I’m sure I could get Dave to do it...But I think he’s busy with #82 which got lose this morning and we haven’t been able to find it…”

 

I found myself smiling, just a small smile that hung loosely on my face, but it was still a smile. It had been months since I had been able to allow myself the luxury to be happy. I allowed myself to slip into pretending, to think that he had never died. I quickly recovered, trying to convince myself that had not just happened; that I did not still miss him that much. It was time to stop Carlos, for now.

 

“Carlos.”

 

“Y-yes?”

 

“If you’ve got too much to do, we can reschedule.”

 

He was quiet, one hand went to his chin the other resting on his elbow.

 

“No…No, I would like to help you. The possibility of me having a life before I got to Night Vale is quite intriguing! I do not believe that such thing is possible. However, with what I have seen, with the experiments I have been able to learn from and perform in these past two weeks, I have learned so much! I’m starting to think that there being another me could actually be quite possible. To not try and figure out exactly what’s is going on would be near Scientific blasphemy!” He looked me up and down for a moment, his face tightening at the brow. “I do have one question though…”

 

“Uh-huh.” I nodded slowly.

 

“Why the flowers and the outfit? Its middle of summer, those pants must be very hot…”

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

It had taken a little over an hour, between me explaining my choice of clothing and Carlos informing his team of his leave for the day, but eventually we left the lab and headed to the sand wastes first. The ride was quiet, the vibrations of the car mixing with my own shaking as I gripped the wheel. Occasionally I glanced at Carlos, his hands in his lap, fiddling with the hem of his coat. We shortly arrived at the sand wastes, quickly moving out of the car and into the fast flat desert landscape.

 

“So, Carlos, do you recognize this place at all?” He was a few feet ahead of me, scanning the landscape.

 

“I know my team had told me a bit about the sand wastes, but I have never been. Until now…” Shortly after we left, headed back down dusty roads to town.

 

The rides between each place were the same, and the reactions from Carlos became a repetition as well. We went to Big Rico’s, where he said he was still getting used to the idea of eating pizza once a week but remembered nothing of the afternoon lunches we had together, or the spur of the moment dinner dates with picked up pizza and movies. New was the Moonlight All Night Dinner, and again he knew nothing of the coffees we had shared there. The Library, City Hall, the auditorium at the school where they held the PTA meetings, none of it triggered anything. At each stop I found myself driving faster.. I was near the end of my list and only three places remained. I had desperately hoped that he would have remembered something by now; but Carlos was as unmoved as the void over Night Vale.

 

I looked over to Carlos. He was no longer fidgety and had taken to laying back against the seat, staring out of the window. His face was hidden from my full view, his features lost to me. I gave up and continued the short drive to Gino’s. I pulled into the parking lot and found a space, putting the car into park. I left it running as I relaxed my strained and stressed body as I too took to watching the outside bustle of my little town.

 

“You…don’t have to keep doing this, Carlos.” I could hear his coat rustle as he shifted. “There are only a few places left. If you still do not recall anything-“

 

“Cecil.” I jerked slightly from his tone. It was soft, gentle. I turned my head and met his eyes. “I told you, I want to help. You said there are just a few more places correct? I see no harm in seeing those places as well.”

 

“If you’re sure...” I decided not to press the issue, and began to mess with my seat belt.

 

As I did, he shifted about, turning completely so he could see Gino’s behind us. I stopped what I was doing and watched him. As he gazed at the building he suddenly laughed, a small and airy chuckle, before turning back.

 

“I would have worn one of my weekend Lab Coats if I had known we were going to a place like this.” He then near stumbled out of the car and shut the door behind him.

 

There had been nothing, no clues or showing that he was even close to knowing anything of our past; now my chest buzzed with desperate hope. I burst out of the car, meeting him outside. I brought him around the building, showing him the room where we had our first date in. When we arrived outside of the room he immediately tried to peer into the window, face pressed against the glass.

 

“Anything familiar?”

 

“No….but, Cecil. Why did we come here? And why don’t we just go inside instead of viewing it from out here?”

 

I shoved my hands into my pockets, my nervous feeling unsettled. This was a story I used to love to tell so many people, one that I even told over the radio. I never had to tell it to Carlos, I never thought I would have to. It was like a cord I had followed so many times, but this time I had come to a frayed end where it should have continued.

 

“There are no doors inside, Carlos.”

 

“Oh? Well that is quite intriguing! I must come back sometime for my own research and tests! People can get inside right? This place is open and a running establishment correct?”  
  
“Yes. It’s….it’s where we had our first date, Carlos…” He froze from his moving about the window, his whole body stiff. “You don’t remember anything about it?” His shoulders slumped, his body seeming slack.

 

“No I...I do not.”

 

“Oh…then,” My hands balled in my pockets. I thought of our next destination, I thought of the one after that, I thought of even what I would do then for dinner or if I even planned to eat. Anything I could grasp my mind to so that I did not have to face that Carlos had lost the memory of something so, so important.

 

“I suppose we should head to our next stop...” He spun around and walked up to me, his voice small and careful.

 

“Wait...why don’t you tell me what happened? Maybe...if you tell me, I can remember?” A solid lump formed in my throat, I knew if I spoke my voice would shake and creak. I swallowed in an attempt to clear it and spoke.

 

“Well...I picked you up from the lab that day...We can here first, avoiding the bright dark masses starting to appear about town that day.” He listening intently, his brown etched in thought as I spoke. I watched his face for any changes showing that I struck something familiar. However as I continued with the story he only became increasingly confused.

 

“We approached the entrance, and as typical for Gino’s, we were seated without any memory of how we got inside or how we were sat. We both ate bloody Portobellos and we chatted...We ended it with invisible carrot cake and shortly after made our escape…”

 

“Our escape?”

 

“Y-yes...through the window. They gave us a brick at the start of the meal.”

 

“That is...certainly strange.”

 

“I suppose.” I started to rub my hands together as I pushed myself to ask. “But, Carlos, is anything at least familiar?” Carlos pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes scrunched closed.

 

“I...don’t believe so, Cecil…” My heart sank, the hope that I had been clutching fallen back into the darkness of my mind. “But...it does feel like I have been here before. Maybe in passing or maybe like some…dream...” He then turned to face the building again and grew quiet.

 

It was shortly after that we clamored back into the car starting the drive to the station. The trip was rather short, but still gave my mind time to wonder. Of how there was some slim chance of hope for me to have my Carlos back. I clung to the notion of it all I pulled into my parking spot near the front door.

 

“Is...this your work, Cecil?” I looked up, startled, my hand on the driving shaft of the car.

 

“Yes it is. Why do you ask?” The was a building in my chest. Did he remember something else? Was something of memory coming to mind?

 

“You….won't get into any trouble for bringing me here, will you?” My shoulders slumped as the feeling in my chest subsided.

  
“No, Station Management tends to stay in their office, but they can be quite deadly... you may not remember...Just promise not to go opening any large, orange glowing, stone doors.”

 

Carlos nodded, his eyes wide, but he did not speak any further on the matter. Unnerved by the silence, I got out of the car, and headed towards the front door of the station. I heard Carlos leave the car, quick steps of his converse shoes against the pavement as he followed me. I did the normal blood ritual to enter the door: a quick prick on the finger. We both entered, Carlos silent as I held the door for him.

 

I took him through the halls of the Station, and up the one flight of stairs, leading him to the main booth. A tightness in my chest started to form as we came closer to the room I worked in every day. I had planned to show him a few of the recordings I had when he had been on the radio with me. The few times that he had. My chest started to hurt as we drew closer, my fingers starting to twitch in nervous spasms inside of my pockets.

 

Soon we were at the booth. I had left out the records I planned to show him the night before; I had spent many hours during the week searching and listening to the recordings, finding the right ones I wanted to show Carlos. I had settled on having him listen to when the condos came to town. When he wanted us to get a home together, to build a life together. I stopped my thoughts there, the pain of it all causing my body to tremble and tears threaten to fall. I blinked them away as we entered the room.

 

“Is this your booth, Cecil?” I turned around to Carlos, near forgetting that he was even behind me, my own thoughts wrapping me into my own mental world.

 

“Yes...I had something I wanted you to listen to.” He blinked a few times in confusion.

 

“But...I already listen to your show, Cecil...every time you’re on.” I could not have heard him right, just as much as time did not work there was no way Carlos could have said what he just did.

 

“What did you say?” He flinched at the urgency in my voice.

 

“I...already listen to your show...I-if you were to show me a recording then I have already heard you...over the radio…” All of me wanted to reach out, grab him by the shoulders, and demand how he knew that. He was remembering, he had to. He would not have said that if he did not.

 

“What can you remember now? Anything, anything at all that would make you say that?” He took a slight step back, hands up and open in defense.

 

“N-no! I-Inez told me to, the day I first came to Night Vale, after she had ran all of those tests on me she suggested that I should! To learn the culture and receive warnings, completely for scientific purposes!”

 

My mind went silent, my nerves and my body lay still. It was as though I had been put into a blast freezer. Or it could be that one time a year where time went still, all in Night Vale becoming lifeless for a few mere seconds able to be discerned by our limited human senses. Regardless, I stood there fixed and empty.

 

“Carlos…I…” I took in a harsh, forced gulp of air. “Believe there is something you need to hear…”

 

With unsteady legs I made my way to the desk, propping myself up with my arms as I reached the strong wood; the soft steps of Carlos’s feet behind me. With shaky fingers I picked up the tape a put it in to the player.

 

Together we listened. My hands, body, and mind so unsteady that the thought of fast forwarding was a concept I no longer comprehended. I moved myself to the chair, knowing what was to come soon. The echo of my lover’s imprint in my life, a voice I no longer heard, and love no longer given. I felt alone in the room, and in the world. Everything fell away, each second another mark in a long row bringing me closer to a remaining remnant. My heart beat excruciatingly in my chest as though it had grown claws and was ripping it way out as I heard my self talk of receiving a phone call.

 

I remembered why I have not listened to the tapes, why I had avoided them for so so long. His voice saying my name rang through the room and reverberated in me. His voice was so different than the other Carlos, I had forgotten he had changed it, that the Carlos I had met some time ago was not like this. I had been so desperate to have him back, and I had forgotten. I leaned forward in my chair, my body twitching in spasms of sobs. I put my hands on my face, a scream of agony ripping for release at my throat, tears flowing between my fingers and pooling on the desk. I couldn’t hold it, my mouth opened and the horrid noises of my weeping pushed forth, choked and half stifled.

 

I wanted to yell, to destroy the equipment that sat on my desk, to do something that would render myself empty of it all. But I could not. I slumped onto the desk, arms smearing the tears and coating one side of my forearms as I added new tears to the tiny salt pools.

 

The record played on, and my tears kept flowing, a never ending stream of the hurt that I could feel winding around me, strangling my soul and draining it till it would be nothing more than a dried husk of what it was. I would then be left with nothing, I would be empty, as the room I was in, and the world that I lived in without him. I had nothing left. No, there never was anything left and never again would there be. I had been so foolish to ever think there was or would be once he was gone. I had been so stupid, so very stupid to cling to some hope that I would be okay.

 

I felt a warmth suddenly on my shoulder, the unexpectedness of it causing me to flinch. I spun around, expecting the warmth to leave, for it to have just been the hand of the Faceless Old Woman. Instead I looked up into the face of Carlos.

 

That was right, I was not alone in the room. I had brought him here. I had brought him here, a Carlos that did not sounds like my Carlos, that did not act like my Carlos, that was not my Carlos. But he looked like my Carlos, and he sounded like my Carlos had when he first arrived, and he loved science like my Carlos.

 

I no longer knew what to think, my brain exhausted from running in circles of what he was and what he could be. I was tired, of the stress and of the pain. My grip on it all slipped, the tears came back full force as I howled into the shoulder my face became pressed to. My body shaking in the arms that wrapped around me. For the first time in three months I let it all go, clinging to the body of someone so familiar and yet still so alien.

  
[+]-[+]-[+]

 

A few minutes or maybe an hour or two had past when I finally cried myself dry. Carlos silently helped my up and lead me out of the booth. As I dragged my feet across the carpeted floor I could hear the quiet clicking of the recording. The show long over and only the unused portions of the tape playing, white noise and empty space echoing the feelings I held in my hollowed body. Eventually, he lead me to the car and helped me into the passenger side. Once the door was closed I lay my forehead against the window and kept my gaze to the outside world. The quiet, lonely, and hot desert that was and had always been my home. Even as we drove down the street passing people, family and friends enjoying another day of existence or fleeing for their lives, I felt so alone.

 

Everything hurt, and now I knew it always would. No matter what was done I would quiet possibly never feel better or whole again. How before this new Carlos came into my life, back into Night Vale, I felt i might have found some closure or overcome my grief in some manner. Now it was like wishing the void to longer terrorize those who looked into it or that time would for once work correctly. It was something completely impossible, something unreachable, a well filled up to my waist and walls covered in thick sludge unable to be gripped. I was trapped, between my own feelings of sorrow and longing; none ever to be quenched or satisfied.

 

“So,” I felt the muscles on the side of my head near my ears twitch at the sudden noise, the rest of my body too tired and drained to flinch otherwise. “where do you live, Cecil?”

 

I did not want to speak, I wanted to be silent and left alone. My voice had already been shredded by my hysterics, everything left shaken and unsteady. I tried though, my words coming out as a near whisper.

 

“Down near Old Town...Just a few blocks away from your lab…” It was all I could muster, the actual names and directions escaping my worn mind. After a moment I heard him hum in response, I already falling back into my mind.

 

I had been so sure, so positive that this would work. I had picked the places where we have visited the most, or where we had the most memories together, and nothing triggered anything. He might not have been the Carlos I had before, but if I could even have a small fragment of the past I would be happy. If I had just a hint of the Carlos I knew and loved was still alive in some fashion I would have been more than willing to throw myself into a delusion that he was my Carlos.

 

That the day he died so long ago had never happened, and it had been just some lengthy fever dream. But, it was all water in my hands, quickly seeping through cracks I could not see nor fix; pointless, useless, and wasteful. Carlos was dead, my Carlos was buried in the ground six feet under and it didn’t matter what happened that fact would never change. I was so stupid for believing that I could.

 

“That is the College right?” I sat up slightly and looked to the left where Carlos was pointing, and indeed it was. I nodded.

 

“Just...go up one more block...down Elm St.”

 

“Isn’t that by the lab?”

 

Again I nodded and placed my head to it’s previous spot. I was unable to bring myself to say that yes, it was by the lab because where we first went looking for homes he...Carlos, had wanted one close by the Lab. To make trips home easier when late night science was done.

 

Tears again started to slowly run down my face as I remembered the times when he had come home those late nights, tired and smelling of chemicals. He would climb into bed careful, trying not to wake me though just the sound of the bedroom door had already pulled me from slumber. I remembered how he would hold me, one arm around my stomach the other curled above my head. I remembered how he would nuzzle my neck and whisper quiet things of love and apologies.

 

I remembered why I no longer slept in that room. How after a month of being alone I had cleared the living room of all objects that were his and moved them into the bedroom and closets. How I had gone into each area finding all the pictures, placing them face down so not to be haunted as I moved about each day. How the first month every night I would cry until I fell into sleep that would only last for a few hours, and once up again I would resume where my tears had left off.

 

I no longer wanted to remember. No longer did I want this new Carlos, this person living in as some nightmarish masquerade of my boyfriend, to remember or try to. I wanted it all to fade into nothing, to become non existent. I wanted all of it, all the memories, the trinkets, the people, and this new Carlos to disappear from my life. Maybe then I could move forward.

 

My attention was pulled forward as we neared….my house. I lifted a heavy arm, pointing to the light blue house.

 

“That’s it. Just past that black Sedan...the light blue one.”

 

I kept my eyes anywhere but him, as much as I wanted nothing more to do with him I already knew that just looking at him created such a longing that I knew I could never have again. It was best to just watch the road, and I did. He slowed down as we neared the house and pulled into the driveway. The moment the car was stopped I opened the door, getting out on my unsteady feet.

 

He still had the keys, and for all I could care he could keep them. I already knew where the spares were, underneath the small concrete owl that stood guard at our...my door. I didn’t even care if he kept the car; maybe it would be a blessing if he did.

 

“Cecil, wait!”

 

I had gotten a few feet across the lawn when he called out to me. Maybe it was his tone, or maybe it was my body reacting without much thought; but I stopped and I waited. I could hear the slam of first his door, and a few seconds later mine that I had left open, before he jogged over to where I stood. He placed a hand on my back, gentle and comforting.

 

“Alright, lets...lets get you inside.”

 

I let him guide me to the door and eventually into the house. I had to show him which key opened the door and the correct finger you had to prick to smear blood on the handle before we make it in. He brought me over to the couch, where I gratefully sat. I rested my elbows on the coffee table and placed my head into my hands, shutting out the room, the world, and more importantly, Carlos.

 

I didn’t know what to think anymore, I knew my mind wanted to go into tiresome circles until I fell asleep or broken into the small stock of alcohol I still had; anything to wash away the thoughts. I instead resolved to listening to the room. The tick of the small wristwatch sadly welcoming me home, the slow drip of the sink in the kitchen that I needed to fix; the sound of Carlos’s shoes against the carpet as he moved back to the front door and the quiet click of the door closing.

 

I didn’t even question if he had just left, of course he did. I was not a man he knew nothing of. Some odd weird person who was ‘oh so sure’ he was my dead lover. Showing him recordings and places I had been ‘supposedly’ with him; things he did not remember and a voice that was not his. He probably thought me a loon, and maybe he wasn’t completely wrong. Maybe I had gone off the edge, into the deep, just wanting the happiness I had back. My eyes burned as tears reappeared for the third time. The searing pain in my chest pushing them out when I thought I had been dry and small sobs from a voice I thought broken.

 

I remained like that, a mess of whimpers and wet salt, alone in a house that once held so much.

 

“Cecil…”

 

I jolted up, startled and panicked, and looked to the direction of the sound. I found myself not as alone as I thought, finding Carlos standing beside the couch in front of the night stand, holding the wristwatch gingerly in his hands.

 

“Where did you get this?”

 

“I-I…” It was hard to breathe, my body trapped between a new wave of weeping and adrenaline. “Y-you gave it….to me. It w-was your gift...for our three month anniversary.” He looked at me, eyes wide.

 

“T-that is impossible, Cecil. There can’t be two of these watches!” All of my self destructive thoughts stopped, startled by what he said.

 

“W-what?”

 

“There cannot be two of these watches, Cecil.” He place the watch back onto the table and frantically pulled back his sleeve, revealing a watch identical to the one he had put down, but the wear on it not as significant as the other.

 

“Cecil, my grandmother made me this watch. There can’t be a second one because she only made one of these watches. There shouldn’t be two!”

 

“Well, somehow in the multiple possibilities of the world, there is.” I found myself quite agitated at it. I wanted to be alone, to be left to my sadness, and the remainder of it all was still here questioning everything. I just wanted him to go. “N-now if you please, I-”  
  
“Do you,” he started as he cut me off, me letting him. “...do you by chance have a photo of us, Cecil?”

 

I suddenly regretted ever doing anything I had that day; all of it. My limits and boundaries and mental hold had been pushed in so may ways this day. But, in the grand scheme of it, what was one picture filled with memories? What was the torment of one soul for science? I didn’t care to find out those answers, and resided myself to standing up and leaving to the bedroom, bringing with me a single picture.

 

It was us, Carlos and I, on our third date. The one where he had asked me to be his boyfriend; the one where I had the chance to take him home.

 

I handed him the picture, new hope resurfacing as I watched him. It was foolish, I knew it, but after it all it was all I had left. A small hope that, maybe, regardless of what I knew and told myself, I and the world were wrong. That I could have my Carlos back. His eyes went wide as soon as he saw the picture. He did not tremble, or blink, not even a single perfect hair of his moved.

 

His was hush and still for a long time, like he was drawn into some trance; and I watched waiting for him to break it. I wiped my face a few times, to get rid of the tears and snot that I had coming from my face. The shock of Carlos still being in the house with me having quickly chased away the tears. He blinked once, and then spoke.

 

“Are….do you have more pictures, Cecil?”

 

I nodded, and went to fetch more of them. I pulled the ones from inside of the bedroom and retrieved the ones I had shoved into drawers. I brought them all to him. He went through each one, his features wrinkled and eyes wide in fear.

 

Slowly, with each picture, his features softened, and soon by the last picture I found him with a small smile. I had to ask, one last time.

 

“Do you...remember anything now, Carlos?” His face drooped, his answer unneeded. My reality felt like it was starting to collapse in on itself, the last light of my hope going out.

 

“I don’t but, Cecil…” The last flicker of flame stilled, was there something I’m missing?

 

“Cecil, this is impossible. There is no way that there could have been two of me! All logic and scientific fact point that for this to happen we would have to be living in some Sci-fi story! But…” He looked down at the last picture in his hand, and he smiled. “there is proof that it is in fact real. That this has apparently happened...Cecil, I look so happy. We look so happy...together.” He placed the picture down, letting it stand on its frame, the contents for all to see once again.

 

“I...I don’t remember any of it. But, I can see in these pictures how wonderful it must have been! With the stories you told me, with what I heard at the station. Cecil...I want to remember what you remember. I want to have this...life that I apparently had back if I can. All that you have shown me today has, opened, so many possibilities and ideas and new perspective. Such as, how could I have had such a long time with you, living in a house with you and eating dinner, and going on dates and I still do not remember them at all! The implications of that alone are frightening.”

 

He suddenly went speechless and averted his eyes from mind. I did not know what to say, or even how I could console him, or where to begin or if he even needed it. So I just remained silent, watching. It was a few minutes before he made any movements. He rubbed the back of his head, eyes still cast elsewhere but me.

 

“Cecil...would you, like to try an experiment?” I crinkled my nose at the thought, not sure if I wanted to and relive old times or stay away from rehashing the pain of grieving they still held. Against my better judgment, my curiosity won.

 

“Experiment?”

 

“Yes.” His eyes moved back again to meet mine, his free hand gesturing in the air, his other now playing absent mindedly with a strand of his hair.

 

“You see, we’ve been trying external stimuli. Places, people, things, and none of it has worked. So I was thinking...maybe we could give physical stimuli a try? Maybe some act we used to do might trigger a response, or bring something back. I...I want to remember Cecil, for you and for me. For this life that I no longer am in, a life that...I think I would love living in.”

 

I wanted to wrap my arms around myself, to protect myself from what might come from this, or what he might be suggesting. I did not know if I was ready for any of it.

 

“W-what were you thinking, Carlos?”

 

“Something small, some easily done act that we would perform often, something able to be done without much trouble to either party.”

 

“Carlos….Do you...want me to kiss you?”

 

He put both hands to his sides, palms clenched, and nodded. I knew the why, but I still felt like demanding more. Wanting to understand all that was going through his scientific mind. The equations and calculations and whatever else he might be thinking; what I assumed he would be thinking. But, it would get me nowhere so instead I took a step closer. Knowing that if I said no I would only be lying to myself, knowing I was setting myself up for complete disaster, knowing how odd it would be to kiss my supposed-to-be-dead-boyfriend.

 

He closed the rest of the space, warmth trailed from my lips to the rest of my body. I felt whole again, for a single moment, and all that was wrong in the world did not matter. It never did. I smiled into the kiss and pushed my lips against his, soaking in the touch of his hand on the side of my face, the closeness of his body, the softness of his lips.

 

And then he pulled away.

 

I took a small step back, trying to see his face. Was there something wrong? Had I done something? I was unsure, and I wanted it back so badly. To have back that human connection and skin on skin connection; to have Carlos touch me and kiss me again. But all my questions stopped when I saw his face.

 

Tears pooled at the corners of his eyes, hand now touching his lips, eyes distant.

 

“Carlos? Carlos, are you ok?

 

“I..” He started, tears of his own now falling from his eyes as he looked directly into mine.

 

“I...still don’t remember anything...I...Cecil...I didn’t even _feel_ anything…not much of anything at all….”


	5. Its Like Your My Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been a stupid idea, a mistake, a failed experiment that he swore he would never try again as he fled the house of the radio show host.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUPER AMAZING SPECIAL THANKS TO M_Moonshade for their help in the editing of this chapter and with other works of mine!!
> 
> Again, super thanks to Elementalphantomthief!! (I LOVE working with Inez, thank you for letting me use her) 
> 
> I got into a small feeling of writing the next chap to this so I hope you all enjoy <3 don't forget to leave kudos if you like and comments if you love! ~~<3

He didn’t want to, he never thought of himself as someone who would flee and run. But he had. He ran from the man who had pictures of him, slightly older reflections of himself tucked away in secret places throughout the home of this complete stranger. He could feel the love and affection pouring from the man in those pictures and never had he wanted to be so happy so badly.

 

It had been a stupid idea, a mistake, a failed experiment that he swore he would never try again as he fled the house of the radio show host. Down the street, over the concrete bowing in some places from the sweltering heat about him. His memories chased him, that stranger chased him, and that smile of himself chased him.

 

‘So happy.’ The sounds of his shoes echoed in his ears his thoughts playing to their rhythm.

 

‘He looked so happy.’ The sounds were pounding and pulsing, like a beating heart beneath his feet.

 

‘He can’t be me, it’s impossible.’ A stitch in his side crept in a slow burn, his own heart underlying the chorus of the unearthly beating below him.

 

‘This is all impossible.’

 

“Carlos!”

 

He stumbled, the rhythm lost in the call of his name in a Southern laced voice.

 

“Carlos, wait a minute!”

 

He turned and saw Rochelle running towards him, her hair was frayed and her clothes slight disheveled. He blinked a few times, wiping away any lingering tears. He felt apprehensive, his fears and worries about what he had seen at Cecil’s place pushed away for now, sprinting the way he came headed towards the panicked woman. She stopped in front of him, hands falling to her knees and she took deep breaths between every few words.

 

“Carlos! I….I’ve been….lookin’ everywhere…for ya!” He placed a hand on her shoulder, a twisting in his gut made him taste bile. Something in him, something odd and distant, like light fingers gracing the back of his mind, ghosted his body with a dark foreboding. He pushed it back, and leaned down touching Rochelle’s shoulder gently as he waited for her to catch her breath.

 

“Rochelle, are you alright? What’s happened?” She straightened, grasping both of his shoulders tight enough that he winced and swallowed down a small hiss of pain.

 

“Where is Cecil?” Each of her words was pointed and sharp.

 

“I...He’s back at his house. I just…left.” She did not know, she could not feel the dark ooze that crept along his shoulders as he said that he had left. That he had just run and left a grieving man, someone who needed comfort and sympathy, because of his own fear; a fear that he had a life before what he now lived.

 

“Good. Carlos, I gotta feelin’ that there is some dark things at work here. I don’ think you should talk ta’ Cecil anymore, Carlos.” His mind went silent, the twisting of his stomach went taut, and he found himself blinking rapidly at the other Scientist.

 

“What do you mean, Rochelle?”

 

“Wha’ I mean is this, Carlos. Either he’s lyin’ like a fake John Peter or someone’s got their claws in ‘im like Hiram an’ a sack o’ meat. He’s not ta be trusted!”

 

His head started to swim as she spoke, his body threatened to sway if the woman had not still had her hands on him, keeping him steady.

 

“No! Just…Why can’t he be trusted? I need proof, solid substantial proof! Because, Rochelle, today I have seen and heard things that are completely improbable, unreasonable, and go against everything that is determined by the laws of space and time. Rochelle, he has pictures of me that I had never been in, letters and handwritten notes I never wrote. He has my watch, Rochelle!”

 

He found himself panting at the end of his verbal gush, his words had near spilled over each other, his gestures had been frantic. Every piece of him wanted to run again until his sides hurt and he could puke up the ugly gnarled feeling in his abdomen. Logic was beyond his grasp and everything pointed to the improbable. Rochelle removed her hands from his shoulders.

 

“I don’t got your proof, Carlos, only your trust. I overheard something. Twas sinister, and cruel.”

 

“Then I can’t believe that hypothesi-”

 

“But if ya give me time. I will find you some proof.”

 

He stared meekly at her. If she could find this proof if she could show him some kind of real and tangible evidence then maybe something, anything, and he could feel okay again. Something solid, something that is not weird or strange or trying to kill him. Anything to stop his head from swimming.

 

She frowned and her features softened as she looked at Carlos.

 

“Ya gotta give me some time, then. But, for now, let’s get ya home, Carlos.”

 

She closed the space between them, slipping protective arm around his shoulders and she started to guide him home.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

Their trek back to the lab was unremarkable, a gray haze amongst the many pictures in his mind’s eye. He ran calculations, trajectories, theories, and different hypothesis amongst the mental holes in his brain. Memories of his past, memories of past loves, of gifts, of Cecil clinging to him tightly, of his clothes wetting from his tears. It had all seemed that the man’s emotions were real, tangible, so thick that they had been close to manifesting in the room with them like some dark shadow.

 

He refused to eat dinner with the others once they came back to the lab. Rochelle insisted, saying that with whatever forces might be lurking about, it was best to play it safe, to keep to the same schedule; but he declined. He retreated to his room, and lay on his bed, attempting to put each piece of this unfathomable problem together.

 

His mind ran in circles, thoughts of the day, of the week, going over each person he met and every move he could remember them making. There had to be something to show this, there had to be some sort of proof that would let his mind stay at ease.

 

His mind did not stop and eventually he fell asleep in his clothes. He dreamt of a desert with a blinking light, of a voice he could not understand but knew so well. He saw his lab, all its insides broken and shattered on the floor, Inez standing in the middle of the wreckage. He saw numbers and lines and boiling liquids, his reflection in them. He could not make out his own distorted face in the reflection of the glasses, despite his efforts. He saw Cecil, floating and sleeping, he ran and tried to touch the man to understand, to know why, but he never got closer.

 

When he woke up he decided that he would stay inside, that the stress of the previous day warranted such a break. So he spent most of his day in the lab, puttering around, taking care of the experiments that needed to be watched. He made sure to read the instructions that Dave had written him. Precautions needed to be taken with how deadly Night Vale was, and with what he had seen in just a week he was glad to have such advice.

 

The lab was empty except for him, and for most of the day it remained so. Rochelle had come to check on him once, told him she had found nothing so far, but not to worry. The rest of the day was quiet and by the end of it Carlos felt less shaky and his mind was more at peace. At some point he wondered if he should go and try to find Cecil, but declined the notion. He did not know the man, no matter how much he may have wanted to. He saw this supposed life they had, one far happier than the life he’d had before. But he knew Rochelle better, and he trusted his Scientists. So he waited and the day passed and soon again he found himself plagued with weird dreams and a cold sweat.

 

It was by the third day that Rochelle came to him with a small recording device in her hand.

 

“Carlos…” He turned around from the microscope he had been using to look at some cannibalistic bacteria. “Ya need ta hear this…”

 

He turned around and eyed her. She looked ragged, her clothes dirty, her hair in frayed strands around her head. She had her hand held outward, a small recording device laying in her palm. She stepped closer to him before hitting the play button.

 

 _“-on’t ask me to do that, you know I can’t!”_ It was Cecil’s voice, urgency in the deep tremble of it.

 

 _“I can’t keep this façade up forever. I can’t play with the heart of an innocent man, Earl!”_ Carlos didn’t know if it was the tape’s horrid shape or some drenching fear that made his ears ring.

 

 _“I know he is an outsider, that he’s not part of Night Vale. I have done as you asked and showed him the town, the recording, my home. I will still do this last thing, but once I am done, that is it. Go and find yourself a new errand boy.”_ The recording went silent. Carlos could hear the buzzing, the white noise of the blank tape and the shifting of clothing.

 

Soon, the white noise was gone as well, replaced but a few sudden electrical pops. Carlos’s body jerked, and his world came back into focus as he saw that Rochelle had just placed the tape into a small beaker filled with a corrosive chemical. He stood there, watching the liquid bubble and turn dark, the tape and the electronics inside being dissolved into smaller molecules that could never be placed back together. The evidence of what was said was now locked in his memory.

 

There was a scuffing sound from the hall. A young woman just slightly shorter than Carlos came through the doorway typing something on her phone, walking in a slight limp so fluid it seemed like she was dancing. It was Inez De Valle, fellow college alumni and dear friend. She hummed as she continued to walk, the light reflecting off her brown eyes between strands of her red hair, her facial scars obviously seen in the light. She flicked the screen again with her fingers as she continued her pace to Carlos and Rochelle.

 

Carlos he found himself trapped in his own body. His heart was racing, his mind running with the new knowledge and mental images of that day with; his brain trying to pick apart the lies and the truths. He hardly registered that it was Rochelle who spoke next.

 

“Inez, dear! I didn’ see ya there! How have you been?”

 

“Just catching up on my YouTube videos,” There was a pause. Inez shifted the weight on her leg as she turned towards Rochelle. “Someone made a bit of a nasty video of my favorite character. Kind of disheartening really, he’s such a sweet soul. Ah well, someone will take care of the culprit.” Inez waved a hand dismissively in the air. “Well, while that is taken care of, these cultures won’t! Did you happen to see where my notes went? I think I was on the verge of discovering a new element.” Inez said.

 

Carlos felt queasy and his legs unsteady as the conversation continued. He tried to focus on the mundane talk, but his head spun with the words and lies of a seemingly broken man. He moved a hand to rest against the table, holding himself up.

 

"No, dear. I have not." Rochelle's features were cross and taught, a near scowl on her lips.

 

"Why don' ya let me an' Carlos here get out a your way dearie. Wouldn' want ya ta get inta any troubles with your notes, now would we?"

 

“Yes, somehow misplacing my notes always gets me into trouble. Speaking of which, did I ever tell you about my senior prank? We created this cool mixture of soap and other products.” She waved her arms out expanding them in the air. "Made a large explosion and created some waves in the fountains right? We wouldn't have got caught if I didn't lose that damn notebook of mine with the calculated mixtures. I think we can replicate it, too. I mean, the soap mixture here is nothing I ever encountered before!”

 

Inez clamped a hand onto his shoulder. He jerked and turned to look at her, his eyes wide, but she wasn’t looking at him. Instead she was watching Rochelle. He tried to speak, but found his voice caught in this throat. There was something else they were talking about, be he had missed most of the double speak while absorbed in his own thoughts.

 

"We won’t be as brash, since it’s just a fun little experiment. No explosions this time.” She let out a forced laugh, and the grip on her phone tightened. “We’ll be careful like I was with my alma mater. I remember I was so territorial of it. Anything ever happened to it, I made sure I took care of whoever defaced it."

 

“Then,” Rochelle’s voice was dark, and low. Carlos shivered, as though a small wave of spiders had suddenly crawled down his back. “Ya’ better keep an eye on those notes, my dear. If those get lost, who knows wha’ll happen.” Rochelle left before Carlos or Inez could speak.

 

Carlos watched her leave, his voice still and body quivering. He searched his memories to see if he had remembered waking up, hoping he had just been dreaming the whole thing. He felt a shift beside him and a weight lift from his shoulder. His head snapped at Inez, her face slacked with a small frown on her face, watching the doorway Rochelle had just exited from.

 

“Inez?” He asked tentatively.

 

Her movements were slow, careful and delicate. She looked back at him once and forced a smile to cross her face. He knew she was trying to reassure him, of what he did not know. Everything was uncertain and nothing concrete and he felt as though he could go outside, the sky would be pink, and that would be just fine. As he was again trapped in his thoughts, Inez wordlessly left, leaving Carlos alone in the room. After a few minutes Carlos soon followed suit, making his way to the second floor and to his room. He needed some time to think.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

The sun had set, he had been studying it since his arrival in town but he now found it to be trivial compared to what large thing might have fallen into his lap. Why had Cecil been lying to him, who was this Earl and what other connections did he have, and ultimately what exactly was the whole picture. What had that entire conversation between Inez and Rochelle been about, what had he missed. He hated knowing only the small sliver of information he had, he needed more. He needed to run tests and collect information, he needed to take each piece apart and somehow fit it all back together. He understood nearly nothing and all the evidence contradicted itself. He briefly pondered if attempting to understand particle behavior in quantum physics would be easier.

 

He rolled over onto his side, facing his closet. He had been in town for a little more than a week; a week since he had been given the letter that he was accepted to journey to Night Vale, a week later since he had that interview with Mrs. Paltine over the rules of the expedition and possible things he might encounter, a week since he had come to Night Vale on- his thoughts came to an abrupt stop.

 

A week later since he came to Night Vale on what? He could not remember.

 

A hand suddenly slipped over his mouth, cutting off his air and his scream. The body of another person expertly spun and pinned him to the bed before he had much of a chance to struggle. His brain raged, his saw a flash of red, and in his fear he thrashed against the limbs that were holding him down. He bit at the hand that was cutting off his ability to draw breath, his lungs desperate to gasp new air. He opened his eyes to see his assailant and find some way to get out meeting a quick end; or one that he hoped would be quick.

 

But his eyes met auburn hair and dark brown eyes lit by an internal fire that only belonged to one person he knew. Inez De Valle, fellow college alumni and dear friend, sat on his chest. She was strong, she was a fighter, and she was not someone to attack another human, let alone Carlos, without good reason.

 

Once he had stopped struggling she quickly moved her hand her his mouth and placed a single finger over hers as he gasped for his long needed air. As he regained his air and attempting to calm his seething lungs, she reached down next to the bed, picking up a small leather bound book and a small white piece of paper. She silently placed the book next to his head. She flipped the paper around, words were scrawled on it in dark red, the letters still fresh. As he inhaled he could smell the slight tinge of iron, confirming his suspicion that it had been written in blood.

 

_Read the book alone._

_Burn it when done._

_Don’t look for me._

 

As he read the hairs on his arms stood on edge. He opened his mouth to speak and quickly a hand was again clasped over it. The only response from her was a slow shake of her head. She removed her hand again, slowly removing herself from him and his bed. He sat up as she crumpled the paper she held, sticking it into her mouth, chewing on the fibrous thing.

 

He decided that he had never woken up, that he was dreaming, that his mind had completely made up this whole day, and any moment he would wake up from this weird nightmare. By the time he came back from his thoughts, contemplating how to determine if this was possibly too much of the weird spinach dish Dave had made the night before, Inez was gone.

 

He looked down at the small book, a journal or diary, one he had never seen before. Whether he was dreaming or not, a Scientist was always curious. He picked up the small bound thing, the leather rough and covered in a pattern reminiscent of snake skin that reflected in the small light that trickled in from the hallway. There was a strap that wrapped around it twice and looped through a triangular shaped bloodstone, its edges sharp and surface smooth. He fiddled with it, testing its edge and cut a small slit next to his fingernail. He let out a small hiss at the paper-cut like pain, and placed the finger in his mouth and sucked.

 

He never thought books could ever really harm someone. He supposed now that ideology might need to be revisited. He removed the finger and took to unbinding the book and flipped open to the first page. The paper was tinged and off-yellow, he could not tell if by age or design, but on the first page scrolled in Inez’s handwritting in the corner was an arrow and the words ‘in the back’ next to it. He flipped past the other pages filled with written words, his hands feeling sticky against the leather of the book, and his chest tightened as he came to the last few pages. Again in blood was Inez’s words, a letter much longer than any previous. His hands started to shake more and more with each word he read.

_Carlos,_

_I am sorry I will not get to say goodbye. However, you must read this book, never let it off your person, do not take it out in public unless under extreme circumstances, and burn it once you’re done. This book is not supposed to exist._

_Don’t let them catch you. Trust Cecil, and no one else. If you can’t, then trust in my trust in him._

_Don’t come looking for me. It’s better if you consider me dead._

_Also, please make sure not to die again. I don’t think Cecil could handle it happening twice._

 

He didn’t know what to think. Maybe it was some hazing prank she decided to play, though his running theory that he was dreaming seemed much more substantiated. He flipped back to the front of the book, and started to finger through the pages. He came to the first entry and a chill traveled down his spine.

 

In blue ink, on a page well-worn and stained, lay his own handwriting. He leaned over the small book, reading the bit of the first entry.

 

-+-+-+-

_July 15, 2012_

_I have recently discovered a need for a journal. I have never been keen on owning one. However a...situation, has arisen for the need of one._

_I thought I had been seeing things, feeling things on my body that were not there. So, I did as any good Scientist would do, and I performed an experiment. I expected the test to result in nothing, for it to have been some odd figment of my imagination. However I am starting to grow worried, for when I received my awaited haircut I found that I had indeed been wrong in my hypothesis._

_I read the numbers, and I am not sure what they mean. I am not sure why I have a bar code tucked away in my hair, or what the small lump in it’s center may be. The Barber (Telly I believe his name is) I do not believe saw it fully. Or, I hope, I fled before the haircut could be complete._

_I…believe there is a chip embedded underneath the barcode, I can feel ridges and outline of it, no larger than my thumbnail._

_I am also quite sure that leaving the lab until further notice is a bit…necessary._

_I am not sure what this is, how it got on my body. I will research it further until I can come to a logical explanation, something rational._

_I have to. I’m a Scientist._

_~ Carlos_


	6. My Mirror Staring Back At Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carlos continued to stare at the page, the deep blue ink from the journal entry burning into his mind. With a shaky hand he reached to the nape of his neck. Just as described in the book he found a small lump, no bigger than his thumb nail. A tiny lump that he would have passed for maybe an odd blemish or even a mole he never knew he had. Yet here it was in the journal, that he never wrote, and it filled him with dread. His hands shook, he remained still as though any sudden movement would cause some unknown trigger to set off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me tell you this chapter I am very pleased with <3 it is the first thing I've written since NaNo and I am VERY happy to finally update!!
> 
> I hope you all enjoy, please know I HAVE UPDATED THE TAGS!!!!! There is some cutting and blood in this one at the end so if that is something you can't handle please note that!!

Carlos continued to stare at the page, the deep blue ink from the journal entry burning into his mind. With a shaky hand he reached to the nape of his neck. Just as described in the book he found a small lump, no bigger than his thumb nail. A tiny lump that he would have passed for maybe an odd blemish or even a mole he never knew he had. Yet here it was in the journal, that he never wrote, and it filled him with dread. His hands shook, he remained still as though any sudden movement would cause some unknown trigger to set off.

 

He didn’t move for some time, his fingers lightly touching the small lump on his neck over and over. His mind was reeling with possibilities and explanations as to how a journal he never wrote knew something about him that he did not. His mind felt overloaded, his body to refused to move. Nothing was right and he didn’t even know where to begin.

 

A sudden noise jerked him from his thoughts. Through the silent room he could hear footsteps of someone walking up to the second floor. On instinct, he closed the journal and shoved it under his bed before quickly laying down throwing the covers over himself while keeping his back to the door. He kept still listening to the footsteps draw ever nearer. The sounds continued to grow and soon he swore he could feel each step pounding in his ears; or was that just his heart?

 

There was the light creak of old wood as he heard his door be slowly pushed open and the pounding that was his heart froze; silence flooding his ears. He realized he hadn’t been breathing as his lungs started to burn with a need. But he couldn’t even will himself to move his eyes, something primal in him was afraid of what might lurk behind him in that moment.

 

“She’s not here either.” It was a woman’s voice, one that he felt he had heard before, but could not place; as though there was something missing to it.

 

“It’s not like she has a lot of places to run?” A man said, his voice airy and wavering. His words were odd, a statement said as a question. Maybe on accident? Maybe on purpose?

 

“Don’t underestimate her.” The woman said again, as once again the door to his room started to creak close. “Check her room, if you-“ it was then that the door completely closed with a click, muffling the voices behind it.

 

It was only once the door had completely been closed that Carlos let himself breath. He refused to move, terrified that whoever the two people might have been might still come back. He wasn’t sure how long it was until his nerves finally seemed to calm down, his heart beat returning to normal. But the sounds that he could occasionally hear outside of his room had long gone and he felt a little safer than he did before.

 

He slowly sat up, doing what he could to not make much noise, still freaked out his recent encounters. First Inez, then two strange people and an even stranger journal. He needed to think, all of it was a lot yet but he was a man of science and science demanded that everything be solid proof when trying to figure out a puzzle of life.

                               

For now though, he figured he needed to rest first, to collect himself so that he could even start to think clearly. He decided on leaving and going to the All Night Moonlight Diner. It wasn’t his first choice, but it was a mix of what was open and the glaring fact that at the moment the lab didn’t seem as safe as it once had. He grabbed the book, heading the warning inside, slipped on a warm winter lab coat, and headed outside.

 

Though he had his car he decided to walk, wanting the longer route to help clear his mind with the cool desert air. Though the sun had long set he could still smell the baked earth around him, like a kiss of the sunshine on the ground. Though it was nice and all, Carlos still preferred the shining glow of the moon that always seemed to hang over head, its phases he had come to find never going in order. He would have to study that sometime soon.

 

Carlos took the time to think of anything but the book that weighed heavy in his pocket. He thought of his experiments with the clocks, of that house that did not exist, the blinking light overlooking the town.

 

Carlos paused, stopping in his tracks when he noticed the blinking light of the radio station. For a few days now he had been wondering if Cecil was indeed his enemy, someone who was a part of some large, and honestly ridiculous seeming, conspiracy. He wasn’t sure what he should believe. Rochelle had given him the proof that he wanted. But he trusted Inez, they had a history going long back, and he knew that her trust in people was never misplaced; and she seemed to trust Cecil. For a moment he thought of going to find a radio and see if Cecil was on the air then, that maybe if he listened to his show he would be able to discern some kind of a truth. He ultimately decided against it, turning his back to the light and moving forward towards the diner.

 

He wasn’t quite used to the customs yet of Night Vale, not quite remembering how he was sat at one of the tabled once he was at the dinner. Around him were various people eating various foods while others just seemed to pretend to eat. He had been brought here once my Rochelle, she said the they served ‘invisible’ food, as well as thought him how to pay for his check; he hoped he would be able to remember.

 

As Carlos waited he thought of pulling out the book, reading it over now that he was away from the lab, but something still didn’t feel right. Maybe it was just how much stress the night had brought and in the end all he ordered was a coffee and stared at the dark hot liquid once it was brought to him. He dare not open the book. Instead he started to list off in his head the facts that he did know.

 

One, there _was_ an odd lump at the back of his head; hypothesis, its just pure coincidence. Two, Inez’s notes and the foreboding they carried; hypothesis, if Inez thought it necessary to attack him the way she did, it was no joke. It would be best to listen to what she had to say. Three, Rochelle’s proof of Cecil; hypothesis, Cecil was someone to stay far away from and anything relating to him was bad news. Four, the journal; hypothesis…

 

He stopped there, he wasn’t sure what to think about it. He didn’t believe in time travel, though he had been told on many occasions that in Night Vale it was now legal, but still highly monitored. He was very certain that he did not write it. The best he could come up with was a beginning statement. If the journal held anymore truth, then it was the one fool proof thing he could rely on in all of this. He truly hoped it wasn’t a joke.

 

He continued to sit, drinking his coffee, watching everyone in the dinner slowly leave and enter. Carlos at first didn’t notice anyone strange; not including the abnormal people that already came in and out of the diner. Angels, or non-Angels as he had been told to call them, hooded figures, a few people with extra limbs, third eyes, extradimentional sentient creatures, and a single human sized fly were just some of the people or creatures that he watched pass through the doors. He did his best not to stare at any of them but found that there was one man that kept catching his attention, and had been then even longer then he had; at least he thought.

 

It was a man, or at least from what he could tell they looked like a man, wearing a large tan jacket and a leather suitcase rested beside their barstool. They were tall and loomed over the counter, yet their legs were long enough that their feet still touched the ground. Each time Carlos looked away he forgot the man was even there. The only way he could tell the man had been there for so long had been was by starting to count the number of time he had a slight gap in his memory. But, even then, he couldn’t even be sure it _was_ the man he was forgetting.

 

It took Carlos a while, after about his fourth cup of coffee and finally getting used to that weird presence surrounding the man, to calm down. He could finally start to think logically about it all, to try and reason with the evidence and create a plan to test out his theories. Maybe it would be a good idea to go and find a journal, preferably one different than the one he didn’t write, just to be able to catalog what was going on. Maybe if he had some kind of solid piece to look at the whole situation might make a bit more sense.

 

Then the door to the front of the restaurant chimed, the ceramic bells that hung from the door being rattled with its movement. The moment the door closed the bells in tiny high pitched voice called out through the busy diner.

 

“Counter seat for one!”

 

 

Carlos shivered slightly, remembering how when he first had entered the diner weeks ago. The sudden cry of voices had nearly caused him to squeak in surprise and still unsettled him at their cries.

 

He looked up out of reflex, as he had each time a new customer came in. But when he saw who it was he pointedly placed his gaze back his coffee. It was Cecil. Carlos could still him stop just in front of the dinner door on the edge of his peripheral vision. He couldn’t tell what Cecil was doing exactly, but panic surged through him. What if Cecil confronted him? He hadn’t seen him since he had ran off leaving him alone at his house. More importantly if he took into account what Rochelle showed him, Cecil was a walking unknown danger, he needed to find a way out of the dinner without Cecil approaching him.

Before Carlos could formulate an excuse to get him out of the diner and away from Cecil is he approached, Cecil moved and walked away from Carlos’s table. Carlos was stunned as he watched Cecil walk away and out of his vision. He couldn’t help it, he turned his head and followed Cecil as he walked towards that odd man sitting at the counter and sat next to him. Carlos didn’t know if he was assuming things, or if he just wasn’t clearly remembering, but it seemed as though Cecil was the only one willing to get that close to the man.

 

Maybe he wasn’t fully out of the fire because Cecil then turned his head to glance over at Carlos. Carlos whipped his head back to his coffee, trying to catch a glimpse of the mysterious man that was Cecil. He wished he knew the whole story, what was going on with Cecil, what he was planning. Who was this Earl and what would they gain from misleading him. Carlos just wanted to understand, it was his nature to know the unknown.

 

He continued to drink his coffee, which had recently been refilled, though he still wasn’t sure who was refilling it. Periodically he would cast a glance at Cecil’s direction, him still talking to the person in the tan jacket. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, and as much as it wasn’t anything that concerned him he wanted to know. His curious mind trying to grab anything for answers and Cecil seeming to be his only true solid lead at the moment.

 

Without much of a notice, when Carlos was giving Cecil another sparing look, the man stood up from his seat and calmly walked away. Carlos watched as Cecil crossed the diner, not once giving Carlos a returning glance.

 

Carlos didn’t want to let him go, he didn’t know what was with the journal, where Inez might be, or were to start with all this but one thing was certain and that was that Cecil knew something; he had to, that recording proved it. He threw some money on the table out of reflex and jumped up from his table just as Cecil exited out the entrance to the diner. Carlos bolted out as well, doing what he could to catch up.

 

“Cecil, wait!” Carlos called out once outside. Cecil was almost to his car, frozen in mid step. “Cecil, please. I have some questions!” Carlos said as he caught up to Cecil. Cecil slowly turned around, his face a lot colder, no, sadder then when he had last seen him.

 

“Yes, Carlos?” Cecil’s voice was small and timid, much different than the strong sure voice he had known just a few days ago.

 

Carlos stopped in front of him, and for a moment lost his words. How exactly does one tactfully go about saying ‘Hey, I know you’re hiding information from me and misleading me. No need to keep up the game.’ without looking like a complete jerk and ass. Or, rather, having the courage to say such a thing.

 

“Well, you see, Cecil, I had a few question.” Yes, that was a good place to start.

 

“You…already said that, Carlos.” Cecil said in the same small voice. That was right, he had. Carlos slapped his palm against his forehead, he needed to get it together, and not let the weirdness of the night get to him.

 

“Right, sorry. Today has been…odd, to say the least.” Cecil was quiet, and when Carlos looked up to meet his gaze there was a glazed sad stare. He wasn’t looking at Carlos anymore, he was looking somewhere past him. “So, about my question. You see, I have been given a small shred of information of which I would like to know if you can verify the quality of what was said in it.” Cecil was still quiet, his eyes still glossy, Carlos couldn’t tell if it was from tears or from memories. “Cecil?”

 

Cecil squeaked. “S-sorry, you were saying?” Carlos shook his head, sighing at having to repeat the information. Maybe beating around the bush wasn’t such a good idea, Carlos reasoned, because if he kept losing Cecil’s attention what would be the point? He had to say it now, and get it over with; like throwing out a promising yet failed experiment.

 

“I heard a recording that you have been lying to me Cecil.” Carlos watched Cecil’s face turn a ghostly pale, his mouth hanging agape.

 

“W-what?” Cecil’s eyes were wide. Carlos couldn’t tell if he was reacting out of fear or shock.

 

“A good friend of mine had a recording of you saying that you had been lying to me, that…everything you showed me, trying to get back my memory, was just some…job!” Carlos was doing his best to keep the anger out of his voice. He didn’t realize he was angry in the first place, but now that he was saying it out loud, his blood seemed to boil with an unknown fury.

 

Cecil just stood there, blank and unresponsive. Carlos wanted to place hands on the man’s shoulders and shake answers out of him. He wanted to know and Carlos hated not knowing or being unable to find the solution to something. He was a Scientist, and Scientists searched for answers and got results. Right now with Cecil’s silence he was staring at a wall and he despised that wall.

 

“Cec-“

 

“How could you think that?!” Cecil suddenly blurted. “What in the name of the Void would possess you to think I would _do_ such a thing, Carlos?”

 

“I have a recording of you _saying_ it, Cecil!”

 

“Saying what? And where _is_ this recording! Carlos, I loved you, I just…I just wanted…”

 

Cecil trailed off, Carlos watching tears start to fall from the man’s face. There was a pain in Carlos’s chest blooming, and though he wanted to ignore it he couldn’t. He was watching Cecil fall apart in front of him again for the second time. There was a voice in the back of his mind, scolding him about what he just said, while another was questioning if those tears were real or some act. Just like with some experiments, sometimes there isn’t a way to undo the chemicals you might have mixed. For now he had to press, even if he was wrong he still might come out with some answers.

 

“I don’t have the recording anymore, but it doesn’t change that I _heard_ what you had said. Just, tell me the truth, Cecil. Ever since I came here people have been claiming to know me, showing me things that I apparently should remember. You have a watch that no one else should have! None of it makes sense, Inez is gone, and-“ Cecil jerked at the mention of Inez, tears still streaming from his eyes.

 

“Inez is gone?”

 

“Yes, she left without saying a word. Cecil, please I beg you just, tell me what you know.”

 

Cecil was again quiet. Carlos just watched him, unsure of what to expect from him. Would he suddenly drop the act and tell him everything? Was Carlos somehow _wrong_ about Cecil lying to him? He had heard hard evidence, something that was a for-sure fact. As the silence continued he watched more tears streak down Cecil’s face and with each second that ticked by in Carlos’s internal clock the more that pain he felt before grew.

 

“Cecil?” No response. Carlos decided to try again. This time reaching out gently to take hold of Cecil’s shoulder. “Cecil?”

 

“Let go of me.” His voice was low, not dangerous or threatening, but instead more like a plead. It wavered and wobbled as though he was holding back waves of sobs. Carlos could see Cecil’s body visibly shake.

 

“Cecil…” Carlos’s voice was tender, uncertain as to what he could do.

 

Carlos wished there was something else he could say besides repeating Cecil’s name; but it was all he had to offer. It was then he understood that there was no way this man could have faked this. Questions of who he could have heard on that recorder and how Rochelle got a hold of it would have to wait as Cecil started to slump. Cecil’s shoulders began to lurch violently as he became overcome with sobs and yet again it was Carlos that brought the poor grieving man to his knees.

 

“Please…” Cecil’s voice broken with his weeping, almost a whisper and hardly heard. Carlos didn’t need to be asked twice. He let go of Cecil who continued to weep. Cecil put his hands to his face as tears streamed between his slightly gapped fingers. “Just go…please just go.”

 

Carlos didn’t say a word. He didn’t want to leave Cecil just standing outside in the cold desert night grieving for a love Carlos knew nothing of. A love that Carlos still wished he could have, a desire he had shoved into the darkest parts of his mind. He reached out a hand towards Cecil, but stopped before touching him. He was a Scientist, he wasn’t ever good at interactions with other people, he was better with hard facts and knowledge. Even if he stayed what would he do? He couldn’t comfort Cecil, it was best that he follow what he was asked of instead. Carlos sighed as he turned away from Cecil, about to walk away.

 

“Good night, Cecil. I’m…sorry.” Carlos then walked back to the lab, the wail of Cecil’s cries still ringing in his ears.

 

After he got to the lab, he hung up his lab coat by the door, almost forgetting the journal in the pocket. He then trudged up the stairs, throbbing stabs of guilt pushing through his heart with each movement. Somehow he managed to get back to his room where he sat on the bed holding the book and staring into nothing.

 

He wondered why he came here. He wanted to know who was this person before him and why he had to die and leave him with this mess of a world. Carlos sighed again, tucking the book under his mattress and lay down, his clothes still on; it was logical since he was too emotionally exhausted and soon he would have to wake and start his full day of science and tests.

 

Carlos tried to sleep, finding that having five cups of coffee was a complete mistake. He knew that caffeine didn’t really keep you up, but rather just increase ones heart rate. Regardless of the science he knew behind it he still tossed and turned unable to sleep and soon found himself turning back to the journal.

 

When he tried to open it he found it unmoving, even though the leather was untied and it looked as though it should open. He fiddled with it, trying to pry the suddenly seemingly glued together book apart and in the process of this again accidentally cut himself on the stone. The moment he did the book once again fell open easily.

 

As he nursed his bleeding finger he deduced that perhaps it was the action of bleeding on the stone; or maybe something more morbid, just the act of cutting. He would have to test this later he decided as he started to flip through the journal entries once again.

 

Carlos wasn’t sure where to start or if he even should now that he had the book open. He found himself only able to stare at the first entry. He didn’t need to read it to still feel the texture of skin and hair covering the lump at the back of his neck. The memory alone caused his hairs to prickle, an odd coppery taste slowly flooded his mouth from him biting the inside of his cheek. With a shaky hand he moved to grasp the page to turn it. He froze, unable to, realizing he was at an impass that he had been dancing with the past several hours.

 

Dare he search for answers or would he be better to let things stay as they are? He could avoid Cecil, to follow Rochelle’s advice and let things hopefully fall back to normalcy. He could go back to his Science and his tests and the things he knew he could understand. Night Vale was certainly so far the most interesting Scientific community he had ever seen, and he came here to learn; so then what kind of Scientist would he be to run away now?

 

Carlos closed his eyes, and turned the page, opening them again to view the next entry in the journal knowing there was now no going back.

 

-+-+-+-

 

_July 17, 2012_

_It’s been three days since the incident with the Barber. I have remained in my room, Inez being kind enough to bring me supplies for my tests as well as food. She is quite the cook, which leaves me feeling remorse that I have not touched much of the food she brings._

_My hair had started to grow out, the barcode tattoo is almost hidden again beneath my hair enough to not be noticeable. I have taken great measures to hide it from my team._

_I must admit, eating hasn’t been the only thing I’ve had a hard time focusing on. It doesn’t matter what type of Science I focus on I find myself absently touching that spot. I must know, its something that does not make sense, it shouldn’t be there, and yet it is._

_It’s a Scientists job to understand all around them, including but not limited to themselves. I’ve asked Inez to bring up some antiseptic as well as some basic anesthetic from Jason’s work station. It might not be kosher to work on one’s self but I would rather refrain from involving everyone else._

_However, I will report my findings here._

_~ Carlos_

 

-+-+-+-

 

Carlos swallowed, his throat dry and his hands shaking. He did his best to keep his breathing even as he turned the page. The first thing he noticed, taped to the page with scrawled blue ink below, was a microchip. It was fairly small, smaller then a thumb nail, and quite thin with the numbers 227567-1 engraved into the black silicone. Carlos couldn’t help but think about to the first entry as he did his best to read the words written on this page, the legibility of the text low from either a shaky hand or them being too hastily written.

 

-+-+-+-

 

_I feel that I must write to keep my sanity. I know that I said I would write to report my findings, as any good Scientist would do, but now I am frightened to write anything._

 

_I am not sure what I expected. It took me a while to clean off all the blood from it as well as make sure my small wound was properly treated. I don’t think I left any evidence in my room of the procedure._

_I’m still amazed that there was a chip. Though I feel awake, its as though my worst nightmares have leaked into the world around me. Am I being tracked or followed? By who? When in my life was there a chance for this to be implanted on me? What of the tattoo? The numbers on the chip leave me unsettled and nervous._

_I must return to my work._

-+-+-+-

The entry seemed to end abruptly - maybe someone had entered the room at the time? Or was it something else that disrupted the writing of it? It seemed unfinished and scatterbrained. Carlos didn’t know, but he did know that he needed to place the book down for he could feel the coffee he drank earlier start to rise from his gut. He knew he wouldn’t be able to make it to the bathroom in time, instead opting to grab a metal pail that was beside his desk, stomach acid and coffee spilling into the small bin.

 

It was once Carlos was done heaving into the bin, his stomach now empty and his mouth tasting as acidic bile, that he was able try to catch his breath. He was on his knees, clutching the sides of the metal as he panted. He didn’t care that a mix of drool and vomit still dripped from his open mouth. His mind was reeling, his body shaking, and his thoughts were everywhere and yet nowhere. He needed to calm down, to be able to focus and not lose himself to the sway of the insanity around him. He started to preform basic mental science in his head, mathematical equations and chemical reactions became his focus between the fleeting moments he had control of his mind.

 

Slowly the taste in his mouth subsided and his breath returned to him and he could think calm focused thoughts. He wasn’t sure what had caused him to lose the hold on his bodily functions. It could very well be that the chip he saw in the book and the process to get it struck deep in him. There was no way he would _cut_ what ever may lay under his own skin. There was nothing there, it was just a bump, an odd coincidence, definitely _not_ something that was a microchip.

 

Carlos’s stomach again curled and clenched as he dry heaved into the can. It was as if his entire body was trying to purge the thoughts of what he had read. Everything was wrong and nothing made sense. Once his stomach again settled and he could breath, his body now tired and drained from his very existence, leaving the pale where it was he crawled into bed. He shoved the cursed book under his mattress as he regretted turning any of its pages or reading any of the poisonous blue words.

 

Carlos would like to say after that he fell asleep. That he found his body so strained and tired that he drifted into a nightmareish dream land. That he slept past his alarm as he rested, tossing and turning, but that it was still sleep. However that was not the case. As the sun rose up and small beams of light burned against the back of his head from the slits in the blinds he wondered if he should unplug his clock, wash up, and clean the horrid smelling pail that existed in his room.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

It was hours later, after deciding that he wasn’t going to sleep, that he pulled himself out of bed. He showered and cleaned the remnants of last night doing all that he could to forget what lay under his mattress. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to focus on work, and food after last night was not a viable choice; maybe even drink would have to be off the possibilities of consumption.

 

Instead of going out of his room Carlos stood in front of his bed. His mind was still stuck on the leather bound book that lay underneath it. Dare he pull it out from its poorly hidden area and read more of its contents? It would be a risk especially after his reaction the night before. But the more he thought of it, the more he thought of Inez, Cecil, Rochelle, and the entirety of the whole mess that was his life at the moment.

 

He needed to read Inez’s note again. Maybe she had some hidden clues or at the very least let him hear words from someone he knew to have his best interests at heart. He pulled out the book, again fiddling with it experimentally, finding it fell open due to blood rather than the sharpened rock cutting something. Once he had the book open he purposely ignored the written on pages, immediately heading to the back.

 

He read Inez’s note many times over, losing count after the thirtieth time. She wanted him to trust Cecil, but how could he. He knew what he heard, the voice _was_ Cecil’s voice. He didn’t know how Rochelle managed to gain a recording of Cecil saying what he did when he clearly had not; but it was hard to shake.

 

Carlos knew he could trust Inez though. They had been through the thickest and hardest parts of college, and though he was close with most of his other team mates Inez was like his sister. They took care of each other and nothing could change what was between them.

 

But to trust Cecil, to follow what Inez said went against his logic yet went along with what he heart seemed to say, it was a doomed path; following one’s heart rather than logic always was. The heart never listened even in mortal danger on occasion, so it stood that trusting something that blind would be anyone’s downfall. But as he held the book, and read again the note Inez left, he could feel a sharp pain twist in his chest and his eyes burned. His skin felt as though there was a layer of cold water that has been flushed over him as the knife in his chest was pulled and turned.

 

How could he have done what he did to a man so obviously grieving? He just _had_ to understand and know; but what kind of excuse was that to make someone cry? Carlos sat down and closed the book laying it beside himself before he sighed. He placed his head into his hands and sucked in a shaky breath.

 

**Carlos wished he could take it back, that he could have just waited till he found more evidence before trying to confront Cecil. But he was a Scientist, not a detective or a someone of social tact. He went out, got the facts, and then went back to test those facts. Matters of the heart were never his strong suit. Still, he probably should apologize; it might not mean much but at the least it would be a start to the damage he had done.**

 

How should he do it though? Go up and accusing Cecil of potentially having planned some nefarious scheme against him didn’t turn out well. With how everything was now going up to apologize didn’t seem like the best plan either. Why had he even let himself do what he did last night? He was never one for jumping to things, but the proof had seemed so solid. It had been Cecil’s voice he was sure of it.

 

In Carlos’s mind Cecil’s face, tear streaked, stared at him. Cecil had seemed so bewildered at his claim, as though it was something that was impossible in the first place. Maybe it was, maybe he should have listened to Inez. Or, maybe even still Cecil was one of the greatest actors in the world.

 

Carlos brought his hands to each side of his head. No, that was wrong, he should rely on solid facts. Truths in the world that made sense and that would be plausible. Cecil hatching some giant conspiracy to do what? Disorientate him? Mislead him? It made no sense, but then again nothing in this town from what he had seen ever did in the first place. The sun never seemed to rise at the correct time nor set in any of the proper sense that it should. The sky was _weird_ to say the least and he had already had his first experience at falling prey to what the towns folk called ‘the void’.

 

However, when Carlos took into account how weird the town was, it made more sense for Cecil to actually be apart of some weird plan rather than to have simply been chasing a love he once had and lost. Did that mean that, in this town of oddities and strange happenings, it was the one thing that was normal?

 

He didn’t realize till then that he had been pacing his room the whole time, walking back and forth in the small space he had between his desk and the door. It was a nervous habit he sometimes did when he was lost in his thought, things he remembered past lovers and old colleagues commenting on in annoyance. He was never one to sit still. Carlos shook his head and made an annoyed grunt. Sleep wasn’t going to come to him, the answers weren’t either, and nothing was clear as far as what he should and shouldn’t do.

 

His mind again went to the note in the back of the book Inez had left. He was getting nowhere, and he had barely been here three weeks and his world was already in near shambles. He had made a choice last night to find out the answers and all it had given him was a churning gut and endless questions. With a scowl he did what he would have least expected himself to do. He wrenched the book from its hiding place under the bed, shoving the small book in his jeans pockets, and quickly left the lab. He decided to follow what Inez had said, what his heart was telling him, and quite possibly push himself into the more hair raising and frightening situations that he had never thought he would push himself into.

 

He was going to go and apologize to Cecil, he was going to trust the strange man with practically his life, and he was going to do all he could to understand exactly what was truly going on.

 

[+]-[+]-[+]

 

Carlos must have looked ridiculous, running about town visiting the various places he had once before seen Cecil at, seeming scattered and frantic for no visible reason. First he tried the diner, just something about seeing him there the night before reasoned in his heart that he might still be there; or maybe it was his new found desire to fix or change what he had said in those late hours of the night.

 

Whatever the reason it didn’t matter now, and whenever the thoughts of that night came into his head Carlos did what he could to push them away. He could not change the past, and though yes he did regret it, all he could do was what he could to change the future, whatever it may hold. Next he checked the grocery store, then the bowling alley, but it wasn’t until he checked the Ralph’s that Carlos found Cecil.

 

Cecil was just coming out of the Ralph’s, hands scribbling on a notepad he was carrying, not looking where he was going or the people around him. Carlos sprinted towards Cecil, not wanting to lose the man who was so clearly lost in his own thoughts. At the sound of Carlos’s converse sneakers slapping against the pavement, Cecil perked up and his eyes went wide once he say Carlos.

 

“Cecil, I just want to-“

 

Carlos didn’t get very far in his words before Cecil turned the other direction and ran. Carlos would have gone into a full out run in an attempt to catch up. But before he could even think about trying to attempt that Cecil had bolted out of sight.

 

Carlos slowed down as he watched the now empty landscape that Cecil had just fled from. Maybe Cecil had been a track runner at some point, or with all of the different happenings in Night Vale it very well could be that only those who were fast enough lived to survived. Either way, there was no even a slight chance for Carlos to be able to catch up to Cecil. He would have to try from a different approach.

 

Carlos followed in the direction he had last seen Cecil go, the man long gone of course, but it was all that he had to go off of. He walked checking the stores and places he came across searching for Cecil. Carlos still hadn’t seen any sign of Cecil after an hour of searching, but continued to anyway. It was a fairly small town, and they were both on foot as far as Carlos could tell, there was no way he would be able to get that far. He wasn’t about to give up, but the sun was its typical sweltering heat and Carlos hadn’t brought a water bottle with him, thus his body and common sense demanded that he stop somewhere to get something to drink. He would resume his search afterwards.

 

Carlos was again close to the grocery store, and decided that it would be the best choice out of any, especially since corner gas stations didn’t have what you would have expected inside of them; or at least what his team had told him.

 

Carlos entered, glad for the sudden wash of cool air that blew at the front of the doors. There wasn’t any vents or specific air-conditioning unit there to produce the cool air, but he remembered that the last time he had looked up to see what it was, he had fainted, so instead he fought his curiosity and weaved through the store looking for consumable personal containers of liquid.

 

Carlos found the shelves that contained what he was looking for, and after searching for a bit more he finally found a bottle of water that promised it was spider free as well as containing only 10% void fragments.  It was when he was leaving, heading towards the checkout lanes, that he caught Cecil rounding the corner.

 

Carlos didn’t call out, instead he purely reacted, hoping that this time he would be able to stop Cecil before he would be able to get away. He brickly walked towards him, hoping that maybe if he didn’t run this time that Cecil would stay and at least listen to what he had to say. He however was not lucky, as Cecil started down the aisle, his eyes again pulling up from his notebook, he spun around and near sprinted back around the corner.

 

“Cecil, wait!” Carlos called out, throwing himself into a run as he chased Cecil.

 

Or, at least attempted to for once again as he went around the store trying to find the man he found he had once again vanished. At this rate he would not be able to apologize to Cecil, and not only would he have to live with knowing that he was the bane to someone in town he knew nothing of, but he would know that he let his closest friend down in her last words of wisdom she could give him.

 

Carlos decided then, after he bought his water and headed out of the store, that it was utterly ridiculous to continue running around chasing Cecil. He was a man of Science, of logic and plans and tests. There must be an easier way to get ahold of Cecil, in a environment where he wouldn’t be able to run away and at least give him a few moments to talk. Carlos didn’t have to think long to know exactly where that place was.

 

It wasn’t far from where he was but soon Carlos found himself looking skyward towards the flashing red light of the local radio station. He didn’t dare yet go inside, unsure if he would even find Cecil yet within its walls. He decided to wait, sitting at the Pinkberry that was just across the street from the station.

 

As he waited and watched the building, drinking his water as he kept his eyes glued to the door waiting to see Cecil hopefully go in. As he sat he thought more of what Cecil’s actions might mean. If Cecil was indeed trying to fool Carlos then he would believe that running away would  be a disservice to that cause, which was more evidence as to all of what Cecil had said and shown him so far was indeed the truth.

 

Carlos continued to think, attempting to do mathematical like questions that he hoped would figure out the mystery that he saw Cecil as. How Cecil and himself all fit into this and, ultimately, how he had come back to life since if Cecil was right Carlos should be dead. He watched and found that soon he had been there long enough that the owner, who Carlos could hear but not visibly see, told him he needed to buy something to stay longer. He was ordering his second ice cream, making sure to stay away from the black tar and cherry-bomb flavors, when he glanced out the window just catching a glimpse of Cecil ducking through the door into the radio station.

 

Carlos canceled his order and scampered out of the Pinkberry running across the street. He stopped when he was in front of the door, unable to push himself to open it. What after he apologized what then? He had plenty of questions to ask, places he would like to start and things he would love to figure out. Cecil would be able to answer so many of those questions simple because he had been the one to know the man he never was. He hoped that it he was able to get Cecil to tell him what he could he would end up with the first answers he could have in this who fiasco.  However there was an even bigger question to answer.

 

Was he even ready for those answers?

 

With a deep breath and a light push against the door, Carlos made his way in running purely off of what his instincts told him to do.

 

Upon walking in, an intern with fiery red hair that came off of her head in large rings of curls and skin a dark and smooth complexion turned towards him. He expected her to smile, for that is how you would expected to be greeted, instead she scowled at him and raised a finger at him.

 

“You.” Carlos stopped where he stood, blinking a few times. “Don’t you dare say a word you heart-breaking, soul-less, uncaring, selfish, _interloper_.” The intern took another step towards him as Carlos threw his hands up in his defense. “Cecil might be a _monster_ , but not even a monster would do what you did!”

 

“I beg your pardon?” He managed to squeak out as the young woman continued to move in on him, slowly causing him to back up into a wall.

 

“Begging is what you should be doing! _Begging_ Cecil to forgive you for how much you have _hurt_ him. How in fucks sake could you think that Cecil would do anything to hurt _you_ of all people?! Do you _know_ what that man went through for you? You were gone for a _year_ , Carlos. When he finally saw you again you were _bleeding to death in his arms._ I don’t know how you came to be alive again, but one thing is for sure, you’re _not longer welcome here Mr. Scientist. Now get-“_

 

“Maureen? Whats…” Carlos looked over the shoulder of Maureen to see Cecil standing in the doorway, his whole body was tense gripping the side of the wall tightly. “Oh…H-hello, Carlos…” Again there was that weak voice, small and with a tremble.

 

“I was _just_ about to throw him out _after_ I rearranged a few of his _limbs_.” Maureen’s voice was cold and venomous causing Carlos to swallow hard for he was sure she was about to follow through with what she said.

 

“Maureen don’t.” Cecil said, his voice stern though low. “Just, forgive him, alright?” Cecil said as he moved beside Maureen, placing a hand on the shoulder of the arm that had a finger pinned near under Carlos’s throat.

 

Maureen casted cold angry glances between Cecil and Carlos before slowly lowing her arm. “I _wont_ forgive him, but I will let him live with everything where he’s used to. _For now._ ” She crossed her arms and faced Cecil. “But, I _still_ say he’s not welcome here.” She then moved out of the room, leaving the two of them alone in the front lobby of the station.

 

Carlos let out a breath he had been holding, his body starting to let go of the tension he had held. “Cecil, I-”

 

“You should leave.” Cecil cut in. He wasn’t looking at Carlos, his purple iridescent eyes instead pinned to the floor.

 

“No, I wanted to apologize for my be-“

 

“Carlos, please. Its not _easy_ for me at all to be around you. Just _seeing_ you is too much for me. It would…be better for us both if we just kept our distance from each other.”

 

Carlos had tried to talk to him all day, finally doing what he could to force him to speak with him and already Cecil was shutting him down. Carlos knew he was the worst person trying to persuade anyone to do anything due to his lack of social tact, but he had to try. Carlos took a deep breath and spoke.

 

“I can’t imagine what it must be like to be in your position, but I just wanted to- “

 

“No. Carlos, its hard enough to grieve you when-”

 

Carlos placed his hands out as though to defend himself, a gesture for Cecil to stop and wait. “Cecil, just hear me out.” Carlos waited. Cecil looking him up and down, a sadness in his eyes, but remaining quiet. Hopefully now he would get his chance to speak.

 

 “I’m terribly _terribly_ sorry for this situation we are both in, but that is just it. We are _both_ tied to this, whatever it is. There are many questions that both of us want answered. You may be right that it would be better to restrict our visits, but if you can tell me what you know maybe it’ll be a lot easier to piece this puzzle together?”

 

“I can’t see what I could tell you…There is nothing I didn’t tell you already from when I took you around town…”

 

“But there _is_ , Cecil. There’s things about this town and the people in it that I don’t know and you do. You’re the community radio show host correct? If my hypothesis is correct, you probably know nearly everyone in town, _and_ their kids.”

 

Cecil let out a sigh, his head drooping slightly as his shifted his gaze to the right. “You wouldn’t be wrong...” It still didn’t answer Carlos’s question and with little more than the journal to go off of, which he no longer wanted to even look at, he needed Cecil or at least someone with information. Maybe he would need to delve into situations he wanted to leave best forgotten; he knew it was wishful thinking.

 

“I’m…sorry about what I said last night. I’m very, _very_ sorry, Cecil.” Carlos pushed out of himself as he rubbed the back of his head. He was not good at this heart felt stuff, or just anything dealing with people and emotions. “I’m not sure what or who to believe right now. I know what I heard but, I also know what Inez told me and if there is anyone I trust its her. I just want to understand and find the answers to why I’m here or even who I am…” Carlos did his best to push away from those thoughts. He knew who he was, he was a scientist named Carlos and that was all he was.

 

“Regardless,” Carlos continued, “Inez said I could trust you, and now I realize my first theory was incorrect completely. I just hope its not too late to make amends.”

 

“Its…not that.” Cecil said quietly.

 

Carlos raised an eyebrow as he stared at Cecil. He had accused him of purposely betraying him in some unknown way and…he wasn’t upset?

 

“But, last night. I had accused you of trying to mislead me…I should have trusted what I saw, what you showed me, and your saying its…not a problem?”

 

“Carlos,” Cecil said weakly. “I don’t know what answers you think you might get from me. I don’t know what I can offer you , but I know that you are _not_ the Carlos I once knew and the more I see you the harder it is to remember that. Please understand.”

 

Cecil was pleading with Carlos. He could hear it in Cecil’s cracking voice that one would hear when someone was about to break down. Carlos didn’t want to be the reason for Cecil third completely decosruction of the now fairly visable shambles he was just barly holding together. He changed the topic, slightly, anything that would not cause the man even more hard then what he had already done.

 

“The tapes!” Carlos suddenly exclaimed, not really sure where he himself was going with it.

 

“The…tapes? You mean the recordings of my past shows?” Carlos was quiet for a moment, when he realized that yes, it was exactly the tapes he needed.

 

“Yes, do you think you would be able to lend me each tape that I was a part of? Or maybe even just mentioned in? Being able to study what happened previously might allow me to gleam some useful information.”

 

Cecil looked him up and down, the change in the topic seeming to allow the radio host to pull himself together and shift his thoughts away from whatever he was breaking him down. Carlos could tell he was calculating something. What and the entire nature of the estimate was of course unknown to him. Maybe if he could read minds this wouldn’t be so agitating just waiting there in the silence of the lobby. But, why was the silence so agitating now? It hadn’t been before. It was probably his lack of sleep.

 

“I…suppose.” Cecil finally said. “Just, don’t touch anything, let me search the archives and I’ll find you what I can. There have…be a lot of mentions of you. You...you had lived in Night Vale for over two years before.” Cecil’s voice trailed off towards the end, Carlos didn’t need to question why.

 

Carlos made a mental note to himself, that when he understood all of what was going on with this situation, he would be sure to tell Cecil. Someone who had loved someone so much deserved some kind of closer; it wouldn’t be the best but it would be all he could give.

 

Cecil motioned for Carlos to follow him as he turned away and headed back down the hallway that lead deeper into the station. As before they past many doors, including the break room for the Interns and the Station Management door. Eventually Cecil brought him to a large door, a special bloodstone knob keeping the two from entering. Cecil made a hand motion for Carlos to stay where he was, about a foot from the door. He watched as Cecil walked towards the door, pricking his finger on a needle that he seemed to have pulled from nowhere. After smearing the droplet of blood onto it he leaned down and whispered words Carlos was not able to hear. The door swung open without Cecil having to turn the handle or touch it, and Cecil weakly smiled and waved a hand for Carlos to enter first.

 

Carlos walked inside, standing off to a small open space to the left to let Cecil in. There was hardly any room for from floor to near the ceiling there were tapes stacked in impossible piles. There were large metal cabinets, double stacked and placed near the walls, rows and columns of tapes between each where they could fit. There was an intern already inside, standing in top of a large step ladder, throwing tapes into a box from the top of one of the stacks, next to them an open cabinet where they were presumably placing the tapes into once gathered.

 

Carlos could smell must and mold in the room. His skin prickled as though being touched with many pins in the odd heat of the room. Carlos ran a hand through his hair, pushing some of the long dark locks away from his face, just the motion felt cooling against his face. He had half a mind to ask Cecil if it would be alright for him to just wait outside instead.

 

“If you _have_ to touch anything, please keep it to just the cabinets. Don’t touch the blue one though,” Cecil said as he gestured to one that was in the right back corner of the room. Around it there were no other cabinets nor any tapes stacked nearby. “it doesn’t play well with others.”

 

 Carlos could only nod as he followed Cecil around. He watched the back of the radio host as he weaved Carlos through the multitudes of tapes and cabinets. Occasionally they would stop and Cecil would gracefully used his fingers to pick tapes out of the large piles. The whole time he didn’t space Carlos a glance, rather he seemed to be avoiding the sight of Carlos now when he could. Carlos only noticed because for some reason he was having the opposite problem.

 

Carlos couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off Cecil. He didn’t understand the man and yet did. Yes, Cecil was grieving, but that wasn’t what he didn’t understand. It was just the man’s very nature, how each time there was something different about him, almost as though he changed like the phases of the Moon on it’s more normal days. The one thing he knew for sure was that each time he had seen Cecil he still had those stunning purple eyes, and though his fashion sense left something to be desired, his eyes were most definitely his best feature. Carlos left himself to merely ponder Cecil as he was; basic sensibility told him it would be rather rude and insensitive for him to ask to preform tests on him under the current situation.

 

Carlos watched, as Cecil continued to file through tapes, Cecil’s face slowly contort from one of apathy to be pale and with a scowl. Carlos said nothing, just observing, wondering what it was that was changing Cecil’s mood. It was after about an hour of Cecil and Carlos had been scouring the archives that Cecil spoke.

 

“Jennifer?” The girl who had been gathering tapes and filing them faced Cecil stopping mid step downwards on the ladder.

 

“Yes, Cecil?”

 

“Did you see anyone in here earlier pulling out any tapes?” Jennifer shook her head and she finished carefully stepping down the ladder.

 

“Beats me.” She said once both of her feet were again on the ground, box filled with tapes in her hands. “I only started shortly after you got here. If you’d like I could ask Maureen, she would know better then I would.”

 

Cecil waved a hand. “I’ll just ask her later. But, have you seen any tapes that have Carlos written on them?” His voice slightly pleading.

 

“I’m sorry, Cecil, I haven’t” Jennifer said with a worried frown. “Are you sure you checked the July through December 2014 files?” Cecil nodded.

 

“As well as all of the files from last year as well, as well as the 2013 _and_ 12 files. If you see any while you’re filing those tapes let me know?”

 

“Sure, I wouldn’t--“ Cecil then sped past Jennifer and Carlos, leaving the room, his face still pale and curled in a worried frown. “ mind…” Jennifer finished when Cecil had fully exited the room.

 

Carlos started to follow Cecil, stopping and going again as he glanced back and forth between the way Cecil left and Jennifer. Jennifer smiled, heaving the box up and onto the cabinet she was working with.

 

“Don’t worry, he’s just like that sometimes.” She said before she gestured for Carlos to go and follow Cecil. “Hurry, before you lose him.” Carlos gave her a relieved smile and rushed out the door.

 

Carlos made his way down the hall, looking around trying to find Cecil. It didn’t take Carlos long to find Cecil, mostly because he could hear the noises of furniture being overturned and papers flying coming from his broadcasting booth.

 

He rounded the corner to find Cecil tossing papers haphazardly out of one of the drawers. He was muttering to himself as all around him he created chaos. Spiders were crawling out from under papers and flung books, his chair was over turned and headphones and mic left uncared for on the floor. The tape player he had used to show Carlos that recording lay in pieces at one side of the room. Carlos’s chest tightened and he dared not to utter a word. For a moment he thought backing away from the booth and exiting the station would be the best and safest option right then.

 

“No!” Cecil said frantically. “No, at least _one_ tape _has_ to be here! They can’t _all_ be gone!” Instead of taking a step away from the angry, no, panicked man Carlos took a step forward.

 

“Cecil? What’s wrong?”

 

“Their _all gone_ , ever single tape, even the _first_ one! All of them _gone_!” Cecil stopped his fevered searching, dropping to his knees, hands holding limply to the edge of the desk. “I has _just_ listened to-“ Cecil abruptly stopped mid sentence, Carlos quirking an eye and taking another small step forward.

 

“Maybe I can help look? Surly there has to be one, you did have the one you showed me before. Maybe you just misplaced it?”

 

“No…no I didn’t, Carlos. That tape was still in here, I know it was, I _saw_ it in the tape player last night and now its just vanished.”

 

Carlos rubbed the back of his head. He needed to be rational, what probably happened it that someone had moved them or possibly stolen them; though it was unfavorable that it happen the possiblility was still evident. Regardless, it was something out of Cecil’s or his hands past searching where they could; Cecil’s mess was a definite hindrance towards that being easy as possible.

 

“They couldn’t have vanished Cecil. They have to be somewhere. How many tapes are we looking for?” Carlos walked over to Cecil, offering him a hand up. Cecil still refused to look up at Carlos, let alone take the offered hand.

 

“At the very least a few hundred.” Cecil said solemnly. Carlos gawked at him, 5 at the least he expected, 15 surpassed his highest estimate, _but a couple hundred?_ What exactly happened in those supposed few years?

 

“How many times was I on your radio station, Cecil?” Carlos exclaimed.

 

“Well,” Cecil said as he pulled himself up, still ignoring Carlos’s hand. Carlos shoved both his hands into his pockets telling himself that it was fine and sometimes people just don’t want to touch others. The frustration is Cecil’s voice was waning, but still evident. “you were not exactly on it that often. But you did ask for time you were mentioned as well. I do air the show every night, Carlos. Even through holidays and other natural disasters.”

 

“Oh! Right.” Carlos hadn’t thought of that.

 

With how the town is and Carlos being a Scientist, it made sense for him to be talked about on the radio. Though the pangs of fear still trickled about in his body, there was a small serge of eagerness and want; he wished that they could find just a few of those tapes so he could see what he had studied. Still, knowing that out of the possibly thousands of tapes he had seen in that other large room he had a couple hundred tapes with him in them, it humbled him and left him feeling just a little too hot.

 

“I was, mentioned that much?” Carlos said a bit bashfully, astounded at the idea.

 

“Yes.” Cecil demeanor changed, no longer upset as his lips curled slightly in a faint smile. “You were a bit of a celebrity here. When you first came to Night Vale everyone wanted to know what ‘Carlos the Scientist, of Perfect hair and Perfect stature’ was up to.” The smile on Cecil face grew wider, and again Carlos could see that far off glaze look envelop Cecil’s eyes.

 

“It wasn’t the most professional, I’ll admit, but I can still remember the day you left me that first voicemail. There was _such_ a response from everyone because I couldn’t quite tell if you wanted to go on a date or not.” The smile grew wider on Cecil’s face, clearly a grin at the memories Carlos had heard small bits of before but never details such as this. There was a small pause, Cecil sucking in a deep breath before he continued.

 

“It was heart breaking when Carlos almost died. Never in my professional career then had I been subjected to so many varying emotions. Almost dead, only to…call me and for the first time share such a tender moment.” Tears were welling up in Cecil’s eyes as he spoke.

 

“But the next year, even with Strex Corp shortly invading the town then, Carlos and I had many times together.” There it was again, he hadn’t been hearing things as he thought the first time. As Carlos continued to listen intently he deduced that Cecil wasn’t fully talking to him anymore, or at least didn’t realize who he was in that moment. Carlos entertained the idea for a small moment of trying to snap Cecil out of what trance he might be in then.

 

“They were…magical times. I can still remember the smells of dinner as I walked into our house. I don’t know how Carlos knew how to cook, seeming as it’s always been such a rare trait and can be very _very_ deadly at times. He was very supportive when Khosheckh was injured and he was bad at remembering to call when he had to stay late.” Cecil’s tone started to waiver, sadness seeping in as he continued. “He taught me that life is imperfect, and just knowing that is beautiful. He showed me how every day could be exciting and full, and how each night could be warm even in the darkest times.”

 

There was a pause, Carlos finding himself hanging on every word Cecil said. How did they even get to this point? Should he stop him and pull him back to the reality of now? As he told him these things he found himself offhand trying desperately to remember such wonderful and beautiful memories even though he had already proven that he had no such recollection.

 

“The most I talked about Carlos on the air was when he left for a year. It was…almost every day I would say over the radio for him to call me. I hoped that he would be listening in while in that other desert world, that he would…remember and call.” Cecil let out a sad laugh. “Its funny, the whole two years he was living _in_ Night Vale I couldn’t get him to do an interview, yet during the first few weeks of him being trapped in that other world he did nearly an entire show with me. Its something I will never forget…” Again a long stretch of silence.

 

As Carlos stood there he noticed it was painful to breathe and small tears stung at his eyes. He didn’t know why he was about to cry. Was it empathy for Cecil? Having such a mix of wonderful and painful memories tied to his shows and the tapes; while here he had been thinking it was just the scientific accomplishments. Yes he still wished to know what this other Carlos, if he truly existed, had discovered and found; but Carlos was not cruel nor apathetic. It didn’t take a Master’s degree to see how deeply Cecil had loved this person he never was. Carlos’s own heart felt like a hot knife was seated somewhere deep inside of it. He couldn’t take any more.

 

“Cecil, I…I think its time I left. I have, tests to run and…” Carlos cursed himself mentally as he rubbed his arm across his eyes, attempting to wipe away the forming tears before they could be seen.  He knew he was making excuses and trying to run away and it wasn’t right to do to Cecil.

 

“Wha-“ Cecil jerked his head in Carlos’s direction, eyes wide as he stared blankly for a moment. “Oh, yes, right. You’re…you’re probably very busy, yes.” Cecil’s words were fast and disorientated. Before Carlos could say much else he found a hand on his back as he was ushered out of the room. “I have a lot to do anyways myself. You know, show to run and a sound booth to clean.” Soon they were in the lobby again, Cecil holding open the front door for Carlos.

 

Carlos stood in the center of the lobby feeling dazed at how quickly Cecil seemed to change; however he was right and it seemed that all he had found was a dead end. “Um…yes. I’m…sorry to have disturbed you, Cecil.” Carlos apprehensively moved out of the station, still trying to piece together his entire experience he had just had with Cecil.

 

“Wait.” Cecil called from behind him. Carlos stopped turning to face Cecil, whose features seemed softer then before. “I’m meeting with someone later. I asked them to find something for me and…maybe it would be of some help to you as well.” Carlos perked up at the mention of a new lead, taking a step forward so that it would be easier for him to hear Cecil speak. “Meet me at the bowling alley? I’ll be going over after the show. I was going to go alone but...with the tapes now gone it might be better to not be alone.” Carlos wanted to say yes right then and there, but he was a Scientist and he knew the worst thing you could do was dive into something without knowing all the facts first.

 

“What kind of information?”

 

“I can’t really say.” Cecil said, his eye’s darting away from Carlos. “I wish I could but, he didn’t specify what it was he had found. But, I know it has to do with you.” Carlos cocked his head.

 

“Who is this guy, Cecil? Why did he not tell you?”

 

“Its hard to explain…” Cecil said with the shake of his head. “He’s a friend of Dana, and he’s been here a while in Night Vale but no one can really remember him and no one know his name, but…I’m going to be there. If you want to your welcome to come.”

 

“I’ll be there, I was just curious.” Carlos said not allowing himself a moment to think on the situation. He didn’t want to let this pass by, he had nothing else to go by then except that journal; which if he could he wanted to refrain from reading anymore.

 

Cecil gave him a shaky smile. “Look for a Man in a Tan Jacket or me when you get to the Desert Flower Bowling Alley. We’ll talk more then. Bye, Carlos” Cecil’s last words were sad as he slowly closed the door, Carlos responding with his own goodbye, and walked away from the station.

 

Carlos walked a ways, the sun fully down now and the few street lamps that speckled through the town were lit up. There were a few people running around to various offering stands that he had still yet to understand or know about. They were more frequent then the lamps and gave off a soft red glow lighting the sidewalk where the normal lamp posts did not. He took a deep breath of the night air and made his way to the bowling alley where Cecil said he would meet him. He could have gone back to the lab, or just wondered about town trying to get at least some science in for the day, but he figured that it would be easier to just wait. They played the Community Radio over a small mandatory city radio in one of the back corners of the establishment. He could just wait there and get something to eat since his stomach seemed to be now willing to accept food. Besides, he actually quite liked Cecil’s show.

 

Carlos went inside of the building, and sat down beside the radio. It was another thirty minutes before the show started to broadcast as the end of the show ‘Is That Just a Tree Creaking or Is There Someone In The House’ came to a terrifying close. In the beginning of the show the same sharp twisting pain turned in his chest for he could hear the creaking in Cecil’s voice a sign of evident crying. However that pain soon turned into terror as the show went on, the main story of the day at one point trying to break down the doors to the building, before moving to the next house in search of someone who had not bared their doors. Carlos hoped his team had been listening to the radio as he waited in silence with the others at the bowling alley.

 

At the close of the show safety had returned to Night Vale, and the doors could once again be opened and the streets safe to walk. Most of those who were at the Alley decided then to go home, hoping that they would find their loved one’s safe at home and if not, they would be able to start the morning process as well as the traditional Night Vale funeral plans. Some of them told Carlos about these potential plans causing a shiver to run through him and the thoughts of what they entailed.

 

More and more people filled out, leaving only a few left in the building. Carlos decided to change tables after the events of the night, grabbing a table closer to the door, just in case he needed to hold it closed again. There he waited. Soon the time the watch on his wrist said midnight. It hadn’t been long, and he wasn’t sure truly when Cecil would show. He had just said after the he was done with his show, but not giving an actual time. It was about thirty minutes later that he decided that he would leave come one, and that if he say Cecil again he would be demanding answers.

 

The doors to the front of the alley opened, and not from someone leaving. Carlos turned to see who it was. Walking calmly, his stride even and fluid, was the man in the Tan Jacket, holding a leather suitcase tightly in his hand. Carlos couldn’t see his face even when the man sat at his table.

 

“You should be at your lab Carlos.” The man said. His mind seemed to fog, almost as if the moment he saw the man he had been thrown into some dream or distorted reality. It was hard to focus.

 

“I’m here to meet Cecil.” Carlos struggled to say. He shook his head vicously, trying to clear his mind so that he would be able to think.

 

“I know. I also know what you are Carlos, I told you before but you never remembered. No one ever remembers. Look, you want to live right? You don’t want to send up like that other Carlos right? Then stop chasing this. Leave it be, be happy, do your tests. Give Cecil a chance.”

 

“What are you talking about? I’ve never seen you before.”

 

“You have, you kept staring at me at the café, I always know its you because you always like to stare at me.”

 

“You’re lying.” He didn’t know this man, and his head was already like walking through sludge. He acted like he knew him better then he knew himself. All it did was serve to aggravate Carlos. “I was in that café for hours, I don’t remember staring at anyone nor do I remember you.”

 

“Do you remember Cecil walking into the diner?” the Man asked.

 

Carlos lifted a eyebrow in question. “Yes…But he came in, sat alone.”

 

“And when he left you ran outside in search for answers. Carlos, your not going to remember any of this just as you no longer remember that Cecil sat beside me in the diner. So I’m going to tell you one last time. Leave all of this alone.”

 

“No…Cecil said you had information that might be helpful, I…I need to know what’s going on with me I need to understand. A Scientist always tries to understand.”

 

“Yes, I was going to give him this flash drive.” The man reached a gloved hand into his coat pocket and pulled out a small flash drive. “But just before I came here he was thrown into the back of a black unmarked van. So-“

 

“What?!” There was no way Carlos could have heard the man right, Cecil, being thrown into a van, presumably that kind of scenario meant he had just been kidnapped. Carlos knew now he hated this man, never should one joke about such things and if he wasn’t joking then what the fuck was he doing here as Cecil was spirited off to some unknown place.

 

“Calm yourself, he’ll be back tomorrow.” It was then Carlos realized he was standing out of his seat as the Man gestured with his hands open for Carlos to sit. “Cecil is fine, this stuff tends to happen and there is no one in this town safer then Cecil.” Eyeing the man suspiciously Carlos sat back down. It might have been his head, but it somehow made sense, Night Vale was weird. “As I was saying, So I was going to give this to him, but now it has proven to be far more dangerous than I expected.”

 

“Then why come here still? Why still hold onto it when you refuse to give it?” Carlos was done playing this man’s games and his nonsensical words. Pushing past the clouds in his mind he focused and sharpened his tongue. “If its as dangerous as you say it is why still have it? Cecil will come, because you’re here to still give it to him, it’s the only possible solution that makes sense. Tell me if I’m wrong!”

 

“You are.” The man said plainly, his voice cool to Carlos’s own agitated one. “First, I _live_ here, but no one remembers this. Second, because I hadn’t had the chance to yet, meeting you hear was unexpected, which means that they don’t know that you and I are meeting now and if they did you’re life would be too easily wiped out again. You’re playing with fire Carlos, you will be burned.”

 

“Only if one is too stupid to know how to use it. Sir, I don’t know who you are, but there is one thing I know. Whatever is on that flash drive, if its important enough to get Cecil into trouble, then its important enough to know, I don’t care what the consequences might be!”

 

“You didn’t then either!” The Man’s voice starting to show its own frustration. “I warned you and you dismissed it then too! You ignored my warnings of what was to come and look where it got you! You nearly died in this very alley from it! Later fate caught up with you in the Endless Desert! And now here you are again tempting death! Wasn’t twice enough for you? What do you think will make much of a difference now from before?”

 

“Because that was never me!” Carlos yelled, again standing in his seat. The building fell quiet, some of the remaining people watching  and waiting as though there was going to be a time they all needed to run. “Whoever that person was, I’m _not_ them! I don’t care if I looked like them, or if we are chemically the same person, I still am not _them_! And damn it that should mean something!”

 

The Man across from his was silent and unmoving. Carlos could feel the hairs on the back of his neck start to prickle again as he became unsettled. He couldn’t tell if the Man was eyeing him or if he was doing something noteworthy, for he couldn’t see his face at all. Slowly, the man placed the thumb drive on the table and slowly slid it over to Carlos.

 

“Carlos,” The Man said solemnly, “there is no one left to save you this time. Remember that, if you can.” With that, the man got up and walked down one of the bowling lanes disappearing somewhere behind lane with a large number five above it.

 

Carlos blinked and looked around. He felt shaken and he wasn’t entirely sure why. He took a few deep breaths before sitting back down at his table and pulled out his phone to take a look at the time. Cecil should have been there by what left him unsettled was somehow he had lost a good half an hour without noticing. He didn’t want to admit that he was starting to feel a bit worried about Cecil, but with how the entirety of the night had gone with his show it would be unexpected if Cecil forgot or if anything else had happened. There was also the fact that Carlos had yet to see the person Cecil had come to meet had yet to show up either, it could have been a miscommunication of the time or the day; or maybe somehow they had both stood him up. It was late however, and Carlos could feel himself fading fast; it was time to sleep if he could.

 

After he put his phone back in his pocket he got up from the table, deciding that it was now indeed too late for Cecil to show, and his lack of sleep seemed to be catching up with him for his head felt as though it was willed with sea water. He glanced down out of habit, making sure he left nothing on the table, and noticed a small thumb drive its casing a dark blue and small white words saying 4g on it. He picked it up, twisting it about in his fingers, wondering how he had missed it when he sat down earlier or who might have dropped it on the table without him noticing. Regardless, he pocketed the small device in his tired daze and quickly headed back to the lab.

 

When Carlos came back to the lab he looked around, everything was still dark, nothing had been moved since he had left that morning. Treading slowly he entered, he flipped on the light of the main lobby, machines still humming and different tests left at their stopping points became lit and clearly visible. The only thing that felt off was that he hadn’t seen anyone for a while, not yesterday night, not this morning, not now. However, though he chest felt tight and his mind filled with worry, it wasn’t the first time this week they had been out doing a group study without telling him. It seemed to just be the way the team was, hopefully soon he would be more accustom to them.

 

Still, Carlos made sure to turn the lights on where he went as well as checking around the corners into other rooms to see if he happened upon anyone. Soon he was again and the first thing he planned to do was sleep. He pulled his phone out, placing it on its charger, the screen lite up displaying that the phone was half way through downloading a new device. He paused, bewildered at how his phone was connecting to a new device when he had only connected it to the charger which in no way could download anything.

 

He took his phone off the charger and attempted to search to another port that had anything possibly connected to it. Once he found that nothing was attached to his phone he tried to stop the download it refused to move from the current screen no matter what he did. He even attempted to turn it off, but instead of it going into emergency restart it oozed a bright pink slime. Carlos grabbed an old piece of clothing from his hamper and quickly wiped off his phone, hoping that the slime would not damage it. It didn’t seem to effect it, and it didn’t smell bad, it just ended up being a horrible mess. It got everywhere on him as he attempted to clean it up, pulling everything he could out of his pockets so that nothing else might get covered in the pink goop.

 

When he placed the flash drive on the table next to his keys he realized it was small then before. He leaned down soon finding that the flash drive wasn’t just smaller, but it seemed to slowly be turning invisible and fading out of existence. He tried to touch it where there should have been more to the drive, but only found air, nothing left of what should be attached to the rest. It was then, with the flash drive beside his keys and phone that he saw as the loading bar on the phone move so did what remained of the drive.

 

Carlos just stood, his mouth open and his heart still, as the drive slowly faded away and disappeared  completely. Once it did his phone’s screen changed, telling him the download had been completed and that a new video file had been downloaded.

 

Carlos was shaking where he stood. He slowly backed away from his phone and the now gone drive. What he had just seen was beyond what he expected to have happen. He had figured he might be able to find a laptop somewhere to use or maybe ask Keyli if they would let him use theirs for a short time, as long as he didn’t tell anyone of course. But a physical piece of hardware that he knew nothing of nor where it came fromhad just _merged_ with his phone; it for sure wasn’t helping him in his attempt to keep his food in his stomach still for the night.

 

It still wasn’t the strangest thing he had ever encountered so far, it mostly caught him off guard. So, after taking a few deep breaths and sitting down for a moment, he carefully picked up the phone and opened it to the new file on it.

 

Carlos wasn’t sure what it was, it had a date that was a little over three months old now. It was a typical avi file, one his phone could easily play. It seemed to be short and the mb for the video not an exurbanite amount. Just to make sure he even scanned the file though a virus scanning site he had used a few times before during his college days, and it came up as clean. Soon he was left to just sitting on his bed pondering if he should open it and if he did what he could expect to be in there. Before he clicked on the video he silently prayed that whatever it was, it wasn’t porn; or at least good porn.

 

At first Carlos thought that the video was loading with how black the screen was. After a few seconds there was a white sliver of light showing in the granulated screen before the rest lit up showing a damp and now dimly lighted room. There were large old metal containers like long filing cabinets that the camera was facing and the walls were made out of a dark grey stone. In the door way stood two men in black and white suits. Their height was different but their looks the same. Both were bald and both had some kind of ear piece attached. Carlos watched them walk into the room, talking to each other but the camera didn’t seem to take any sounds at all. The two men moved quickly to a specific drawer and together pulled on it.

 

As the very elongated drawer, much longer then Carlos expected, was pulled out his guts violently squeezed. Inside was a body, and as the two men pulled the body out to be fully exposed, Carlos saw the very last thing he expected. There _he_ was laying dead inside that cold metal drawer.  Carlos couldn’t breathe as he watched the two men looking over _his_ body. The video was grainy but he could see a large open gash on the stomach and a dark spot where much of his chest hair was missing. The dead body even had the same _birth mark_ on its left side; _Carlos could see it._

 

That man, no that body _was him_ ; there was no refusing it now or trying to pass it off. He had seen picture proof at Cecil’s but here was a video, something a bit harder to fake. Cecil had told him, his team had told him, that he had indeed died, but it wasn’t until then that he understood that had indeed happened. He had _died_ and yet there he stood, shaking, unable to breath, watching a video when he should be just as dead as that cold body burning its image into his eyes.

 

He didn’t let the video finish, he couldn’t. Carlos dropped his phone letting it lad carelessly on the floor as again he found himself clutching that metal pail he was starting to become extremely thankful for. He heaved and sputtered until his guts again ran dry and even then he continued. The knowledge of that body, of the fact he really had existed and yet didn’t set him on such a spiral.

 

He couldn’t have been dead before, what was he in now? Some kind of limbo or hell? Maybe a strange version of heaven? No, no he _had_ memories and dreams, he lived and ate and breathed and someone who was dead should _not_ be able to do those things. He couldn’t _be_ that same man, it was impossible, and though he had tangled briefly with the idea that he may indeed be that same person he now realized how much he had been trying to fight it. He wanted it to not be true, for Cecil to actually be lying, for Inez to be playing a joke. All of it was wishful thinking that he had just spent the past couple of days desperately attempting to make real.

 

The real reality was what everyone had been saying; what he so passionately wanted to be false. But Carlos wasn’t able to stop there, and once he was able to stop his dry wrenching into the can he stood up, leaving his phone but grabbing the small journal. He had to know, as much as his body was protesting he still needed to know.

 

Carlos sprinted down stairs, hand shoving the journal into his pocket. Once down stairs he went into the study area of Jason, flipping the light on quickly after haphazardly throwing open the door. Jason used to be a skilled surgeon, coming to Night Vale to follow his passion on studying animals and their biology. As far as he had been told, Jason had become the lab’s sudo-in-house doctor, keeping a minimal amount of supplies for just in case emergencies; which happened more often then everyone wanted to admit.

 

Carlos went to the area that Jason had set up for such occasions, throwing open drawers in search of items that he would be able to use. Antiseptic, a scalpel, some clean stitching thread, anesthetic, all of what the book listed if he could find it. He didn’t care how he found it, he just needed to. He had to prove that he wasn’t that person, that whoever it was in that video just looked like him; who just happened to have the same birthmark. _That there was no chip at the base of his neck_.

 

In his search he managed to cut himself on the scalpel he found and used the antiseptic he found on the small cut; to make it was it indeed antiseptic. He knew nothing of cuts except putting a band-aid on a scratch and waiting for it to scab and heal past what infection it may get. But this, he was about to _cut_ something _out_ of himself, to reach his fingers in and pull out what may be that lump. It couldn’t be a small microchip, it had to be a mole or some off pimple, not a chip; it just couldn’t be.

 

It wasn’t long into his search that Carlos found himself dry heaving again, this time into a sink that was luckily there. All he had managed to find was the scalpel, thread, and iodine, but nothing of the anistetic. As he hung over the sink, stomach churning from his thoughts and throat burning from the bile, he asked himself it was something he could even attempt; would he be able to do this while _feeling_ everything he did?

 

Carlos found himself quicker to come to a resolution then he thought he would, something in him, a strength that he didn’t think he ever had came seeping through the cracks of his darkening mind. Of course he could, he had to because he needed to prove the glaring hypothesis wrong, and if it was right, well, at least it would clear up what exactly was the truth for now.

 

He took what he had, leaving Jason’s area in shambles. As he leaped back up the steps he was glad the lab was empty now, for whatever reasons they’re may be, for the noise he was making and what he was planning to do was in no way discreet. Later, if he had time, he would put it all back.

 

Carlos sped into the bathroom, the light already on, and slammed the door behind him. He locked it and tossed the found items into the sink before pulling out the book. He took his finger that was already cut, smearing some of the blood onto the stone so the book would open. He flipped to the page where the other person, whoever the really were, described what they planned to do, and then again read the page that had the chip attached to it.

 

He was going to do this, even though he was doing everything he could to fight the want to puke again, he was absolutely sure he was going to do this.

 

He placed the book down, and looked at himself in the mirror. Why would someone want to bring him back? What purpose would it serve if he was here? All it seemed to do was create problems since he had arrived. But, these would be questions he would have to ask once he found out the full truth. Hopefully, if the chip was there, whoever had written that journal left him more clues then just this.

 

Carlos grabbed the hem of his shirt with clammy hands pulling it over and off of him, exposing his chest. He looked to his left, a dark splotch of his birthmark was there, as it should. He looked to his stomach and his chest, his hands lightly touching the spots that he saw on that other him. He had no scars there, no ruminates of gaping wounds that would be his death. Just his birthmark and fair dark skin.

 

He almost felt as if he was drugged, his arms moved slowly and his head was starting to throb in pain as he reached for the scalpel in the sink. He held it in his hand for a moment, looking it over, before he sucked in a deep breath. Moving both hands to the back of his neck he used one to find the raised spot, the other to bring the blade of the knife just below it. He didn’t let his breath go, instead stiffening his muscles over his whole body as to attempt to stop the shaking of his hands.

 

Then, closing his eyes, he cut into his flesh.

 

It took him several minutes. His cries in pain echoing through the bathroom. It wasn’t the most pain he had ever experienced, but it was still pain he was inflicting on himself. It was his blood dribbling out the back of his neck and forming rivers of unseen red down him. It was the knife getting coated in his blood and then soon his hands as he tried to push whatever it was lingering under his skin.

 

Finally the small hard piece that lay in his skin popped out and he now held whatever it was in his hands. Slowly, his body and hands near vibrating, moved to see what it was in his hand. In his palms, tinted red and sticky and smelling of iron, lay a small black chip. It was no bigger than his thumb nail and made of the same silicon that the one in the book had with the numbers 227567-2 written in white but stained with red from his own blood.

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna come and follow me on tumblr, say hi, or see the things I post come find me on tumblr!!
> 
> rileywrit.tumblr.com


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